The Organization's XIII Calamities
by Cali IX
Summary: Following the adventures of Demyx, Axel, and Roxas as they attempt to slack off, create havoc, and most importantly, try with no avail to avoid being screwed over by their own stupid antics. Demyx POV To be renamed something cooler...maybe.
1. The New Guy

Dear Reader: I hope you enjoy reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it. It is indeed chaptered, one for every member. I do hope you enjoy it enough to laugh freely. If it's not asking much, I'd like a review. Not too many, just the regular amount. Thanks!

**Disclaimer: Don't own Kingdom Hearts, XIII Order/Organization XIII, or Demyx…though I wish I did. **

**Alright, one note. I'm not sure how much or how long I'll use it, but a scene break for this story is **

**- -X- -**

**Other than that, all usual functions and such. **

**Oh, and a slight warning that Japanese names and terms for Organization XIII and their names might be used. No biggie. **

XIII -The New Guy- 

It was very abruptly important for me to acknowledge my surroundings. I'm not sure why.

Normally, it was just one place to annoy somebody, or another place to play annoyingly loud on my sitar, and because of this, it was just policy to call me 'Idiot'…

Pretty true.

As Organization XIII's number IX, it's always been my job to put a little love and laugh into the poor suckers I call colleagues. Unfortunately, they don't appreciate my hard work at all.

I once tried to fix Larxene's hair so it didn't look so much like two television antennae had been placed there, but all number XII did was electrocute me. So her hair looked like a neon orange push broom for a few days. That wasn't my fault!

Since then, she greets me with a lightning dart and 'Move it, stupid!' every time she sees me.

I went into Marluxia's room. Somebody had to tell him he was going to miss the Castle's meeting that was happening in three hours. It was very important that he know he was only three hours early and therefore in danger of missing the-oh, who am I kidding? I just wanted in!

And I got thrown out just as fast, with a 'Stay in the corner until your time out is over, stupid!'

I hate it when someone gives me a time-out. Not even Xemnas gives me a time-out, even when I scribble crayon all over his wall. He just gives me dish duty.

Speaking of dish-duty, Luxord was supposed to help me dry. I felt nice that day, so I didn't want him to miss out on his favorite show. I let him off a little while I washed 'em. Only problem was I left the wet dishes on his cards. I was out of there so fast I smashed through six walls…and right into Marluxia's room again. Stupid time-outs.

Luxord doesn't let me play poker with him much anymore. He 'doesn't want my stupid rubbing off on his playing cards.' That just sucked. Ah well. At least it wasn't a time out.

I probably did the worst thing to Axel. He and I never got along much. We had monumental wars, and he won the big one. I got mad and had my water clone jump him while he was blow-drying his hair. You can screw a lot out of Axel: cash, candy, food, clothes, bragging rights…But you never screw with his hair-dryer. I shorted it out. UH OH.

I STILL have to see the doctor once a week to help with the third-degree burns, and that strange red chakram sticking out of my chest. It just WON'T budge! And that tag saying 'STUPID' in big bold letters isn't helping. I'm not stupid! It's just the whole world acting like it's smart!

AAAAANYWAYS, in some form or another, I've managed to dangerously piss off a lot of dangerous people.

Haven't pissed off the Superior yet though, but he does think I'm an idiot. I'm afraid it might only be a matter of time.

Then something happened that changed my tune…

- -X- -

It was a rather dreadful time for me. I'd been confined to my room to avoid being lynched by Saix. I'd pissed him off somehow, perhaps by destroying his moon-viewer. It was an accident! I just didn't like the way the moon looked that night, but when Saix saw me, he…

It was a time of great fear for all of us. Have you ever seen that man fight? He's a MANIAC! Berserker was the nice way of putting it, because something called sanity left that man's mind a long, long time ago. If he can't get the one he's looking to lynch he's just go after anyone. The Superior usually calms him down after a while, but until then everyone hides in their rooms. No one is willing to stand up to a crazy guy with a giant claymore, okay?

Suddenly, the Superior had called us all down to the Assembly Hall for an important announcement.

No one could move. Saix was prowling the halls for me, and anyone who dared leave their rooms would find that their rooms were in ruins at Proof of Existence. Zexion knew. His weapons' plate had been slashed when Saix rampaged last time just because he stepped out the door.

As a result, the Superior had been ignored. Probably not a good idea. We had a new inductee on our hands, and if we bothered to come, we'd have learned his name.

I suppose to you, it's not a very big deal. At least, not right now, but you'll get it eventually why we had made such a fatal mistake.

I never knew we had a new guy until I heard Saix talking to someone. Yikes.

"Get out of my way. I'm waiting for Demyx," Saix said. I winced at this.

"Well, I'd love to, and I will, but first, I really need to get to the washroom. You're the only one here. Xemnas is busy filling out applications for my room," he said "He never told me where the map was."

"Didn't I already tell you to go away. I don't care about your life story. Now move before I stab you," Saix snapped, his claymore resting on his shoulder.

"Well, it won't kill you to tell me where the bathroom is," I heard him reply.

Dang! That kid was going to get killed! Once Saix gives a threat, you're gone, and that's it. He's not used to someone standing up to him, because no one will stand near him. The kid definitely wasn't from around here, and the more I listened, the more painfully obvious it was.

"Look, just get out of my way. It's not hard. Simply direct your person somewhere else. Would you rather I fling you across?"

"I don't like pestering people, but just tell me where the bathroom is. I need it really badly."

"How badly?" Uh oh…Saix is gonna screw this kid over.

"Really, really badly. Desperately even."

"Show me."

I peered even deeper into the keyhole at the new guy, who was doing possibly the most desperate potty dance I'd ever seen.

"That desperate. Are you going to tell me where the bathroom is now?"

"No." See. Screwed over. Never, ever let Saix give you a chance to exploit your weaknesses.

Even so, I could see the new guy get irritated. Badly. I couldn't use the word anger. That was impossible. But just then, the new guy came eerily close to Saix in a berserk: uncontrollably fierce.

"You know what? I can't force you to help me. But you got my hopes up for no reason other than to shut them down!"

"Pretty much," Saix said "It helps with my anger issues to see other people get mad."

"That irritates me greatly," he replied.

Suddenly, two strange weapons were revealed underneath his cloak. I've seen those before. I know I have. What were they called before…?

Keyblade. YEAH! That's it! Wow…okay, confused. How the heck does that kid have ONE Keyblade, much less the duet? Yikes. This is the sort of thing that meeting would have been useful for.

AAAAANYWAYS, the kid was about to stick it to Saix.

Wait.

The kid was about to stick it to Saix.

OHMIGOD THE KID WAS ABOUT TO STICK IT TO SAIX!

Oh crap.

Not entirely of my own volition, I jumped in there, grabbed an arm, and pulled. The kid didn't move. I pulled a little harder.

And realized Axel was there too.

"Axel, what the hell? The kid was about to stick it to Saix," I snapped.

"I know that, stupid. Stop trying to be a hero and go away," Axel snapped back.

"He was going to stick it to me? Can't have that now can-" Saix began.

"SHUT UP!" we both roared, and shot him with water and fire blasts.

He smacked into a wall and didn't move again.

The other Order members ran out of there rooms, celebrating, except for Marluxia, who went right back in.

"Rec room?" I asked.

"Rec room," Axel answered.

We both dragged the kid away from the hubbub and into the rec room.

- -X- -

The rec room was the obvious choice for people looking for privacy. It was unbelievably cramped and mostly people avoided it like the plague because the ceiling fan was a painful hit to the head.

"I can't believe we stuck it to Saix!" I gasped, setting the kid onto the couch.

"I can't believe it either. You know how long I've wanted to do that? FOREVER!" Axel exclaimed.

"I can't believe you two jumped in like that. I was ready to kick his butt!" the new guy snapped.

We both looked at him.

"What?" he asked.

"Kid, you do know you're not allowed to kick other member's butts? There are rules," Axel said.

"There are rules against that? Why wasn't I told?" I snapped "All those beatings…"

"You already break the rules, so they're allowed to punish you for it," Axel said.

"Can you please tell me where a bathroom is? I know this is completely random, but if you two were watching I think you'd understand how desperate that potty dance was!" the new kid snapped.

We sighed and pointed to the broom-closet sized door to the left of the lopsided shelving.

He instantly jumped in, and behind the closed door, a sigh of ultimate relief was heard.

"Not too shabby…" he sighed, while rubbing his hands into a moist towel.

"I hope you washed your hands," I said off-handedly. Axel hit me on the back of the head.

"So, who are you, new kid?" Axel asked.

"Roxas, DUH," the new guy snapped "Xemnas brought me here."

"Okay, why are you here? Not mad about it, just curious," Axel said.

"You didn't have your inauguration ceremony, I'm guessing, so you know like…nothing, right?" I asked. Roxas nodded reluctantly "Wow. Sucks to be you. Can't be helped though. Saix was rampaging and we all had to hide."

"I'm going to just ignore that, since you're obviously stupid. Okay…Xemnas found me wandering through the dark city below us. He called me…a Nobody. But I already knew what I was. He gave me his name and said that it was remarkable I'd managed to keep my original form, and when I saw these-" Roxas held up his duet Keyblade "-he said he had a job for me…a place where I could stay. Then Xemnas took me to this big glowing castle we're in. Now he's filling out all these applications for my stuff, but never bothered to tell me where the bathroom was…"

"Right…Rucksack or whatever. You're-" I began.

"No, ROXAS. R-O-X-A-S. Roxas. There. It's the name Xemnas gave me, so there," he replied.

"Roxas…nice ring to it," Axel replied. "I'm Axel."

"I'm Demyx," I said.

"And we're…PART OF ORGANIZATION XIII!" we both yelled, while doing silly poses. Confetti burst out.

"I like doing that," I said.

"It's not all that bad, actually," Axel mused.

Roxas just looked completely confused.

"Organize-what's-it?" he asked, giving us the strangest look.

"Organization XIII. Kind of like XIII Order? It's the English name for-" I began, but Axel hit me on the back of the head.

"He means what it's about, stupid!" Axel snapped, turning to the still confused Roxas.

"You see, Roxas…you are a Nobody. Empty shell left behind when someone became a Heartless. Lucky for you, someone worth something became one, so you're a really important Nobody. All the important Nobodies get to boss around the wimpy Nobodies and make them their slaves."

"We live in this big old castle, and it's our job to make hell for the Heartless by jacking the hearts THEY stole and using it for our own purposes. But mostly, we just slack off between mass Heartless killings, which are the jobs Xemnas usually gives us. Pretty sweet huh?"

"And we get to mooch off the kitchen pretty much round the clock!" I added. "And our own rooms…and bossing around Dusks…"

"Y'see, Roxas…" Axel said, putting an arm around Roxas and leading him to the open room "There are really only two major rules in this place. Don't piss off Xemnas, the Superior, and don't fall into that big glowing pit beneath the castle. That's where the Dusks are, and if you fall in there, you'll turn into one."

"And that's not good," I said.

"This place is confusing," Roxas grumbled.

"EXACTLY!" we said in unison.

"Don't worry, kid! You can stick with us 'till the confuse wears off," I said cheerfully, slapping Roxas's back painfully.

"For once, stupid told the truth. We normally argue like cats and dogs, but I suppose with you around, it won't be so-" Axel began.

"Not it for Voice of Reason!" Roxas and I both said.

"Dang," Axel growled, snapping his fingers irritably.

"Okay, obviously I'm gonna be the Idiot Leader…" I mused "What? It's not like you'll listen to me. IDIOT Leader, remember?"

"I guess I'll be the Calm-But-Psycho one. Already half-way there," Roxas said.

"I wanted to be the Calm-But-Psycho one. But whatever. I already have to clean up after Demyx. Won't be a big deal with you along too," Axel said to Roxas.

"Alright. I'm done here. Saix probably went back to his room to fix the moon-viewer thingy, so I'm just going to mooch around like usual. Maybe I'll jack stuff from Luxord," I said.

"Wait! We're not done yet! We have to give the kid the tour!" Axel said, grabbing me by the hood.

"Snap. I forgot about that," I said.

- -X- -

"Alright. Each Order member has two main rooms for living premises: an actual living facility and a front room that varies between members. If you want to enter someone's living quarters, just go into a room called Proof of Existence and you can get to 'em all," Axel said.

"Better to use the elevator though. Proof of Existence is a special room for the Organization. There's a chance you could accidentally wreck something and have someone on your butt," I said.

The three of us walked through the halls.

"Ah! There's Xigbar's room, called 'Pinnacle of Warped Illusion'. He's II, and he's got a thing for guns," Axel said. He knocked on Xigbar's door, then quickly ducked as a bullet shot through the white double doors.

"Dang. Missed," we heard from the room.

"A big thing for guns," Axel added.

A little later, we moved onto Xaldin's room.

"Here's Xaldin's room, 'Whispering Rift'," Axel said, ducking as a lance abruptly swung out the open door "Watch it!"

"Oh. Axel, you know better than to try to sneak in while I'm cooking. That lance keeps all intruders out," Xaldin said, while chopping up salads with a few lances and adding the right amounts of lemon juice, pepper, and cumin.

"Yeah. I heard Zexion's after the secret for your mock apple pie," I said, giggling.

"Zexion! That fiend! He knows I don't let anyone see my recipe for mock apple pie! I know his game! He wants my job for castle chef! Well tell him I AIN'T selling!" Xaldin snapped, his lances dicing up the salads into mash.

"Oh damn. Idiot, why'd you have to go piss him off like that! I don't want coleslaw for a starter! It ruins the whole dinner!" Axel snapped.

"Hey, I just wanted Roxas to see what our Number III is REALLY like! You know he's constantly shredding us up for stupid things like touching his sideburns? Okay, so I ripped out a few tufts…" I muttered.

"Demyx is a real idiot, isn't he Axel?" Roxas asked.

"He sure is. It's pretty much his defining point," Axel laughed.

"Watch it, hairdryer boy!" I snapped.

We moved through the halls, and I instantly froze at a certain door.

"Oh god, I'm not going near there," I snapped, shuddering.

"What?" Axel asked "OH! This is 'Malevolent Maw', isn't it?"

I nodded fearfully.

"What's so bad about here?" Roxas asked.

"Vexen's room. He's our Number IV. Inside there's a huge lab where he does these experiments for the Superior's purposes. He scares the crap out of Demyx here, although I don't know why," Axel answered.

"I'LL tell you why! Vexen is just waiting…waiting for his chance to drag ME in that lab so he can turn me into an asparagus or something! I destroy a few experiments and suddenly he's out for blood!" I snapped, still shivering.

"Well, what's so bad about that?" Axel asked "You don't end up an ice statue in the garden."

"I can't PLAY MUSIC AS AN ASPARAGUS! That's why! And I can't talk, I can't move, I can't scream when he sends me over to Xaldin to make asparagus stew…"

"Quiet out there! Delicate mainframe encoding right now! I don't want to turn anyone into asparaguses!" I heard Vexen yell.

I curled into a fetal position and whined.

"Is Vexen a scientist or something?" Roxas asked.

"Sure is. But he's not crazy like Demyx thinks. But he's busy. That's why it's better to stay out of his way," Axel replied.

The two sighed as they rolled me along the path to door number five.

"Lexaeus! We have another one to punish!" Axel yelled into the door.

Lexaeus, the big burly bear of a man, jumped out cheerfully, several painful-looking weights and aerobic classes behind him.

"This is the castle's gym, and Lexaeus' room is somewhere in there. Called 'Broken Paths'. It's also where people are punished with inhuman amounts of exercise and where they twist into pretzels on a daily basis. There are also intensity testers if you wanna see how you're doing in strength," Axel said.

"Cool," Roxas said.

"Suuuure," Axel said slowly, his smirk widening.

"Uh oh…" I said, unfurling instantly "NO GYM! NO GYM!" I whined, clawing at the door desperately as Lexaeus carried me in.

"Do you promise not to curl up and cry like a baby anymore? Or else Lexaeus will give you something to REALLY cry about," Axel said.

"Demyx, you haven't been coming in for exercise. Time to lift the big dumbbells," Lexaeus said, pointing to the two-ton weights attached to miniscule steel bars.

"Okay! Okay! I promise! Just PLEASE DON'T LET HIM TAKE ME AWAY! I WANT TO LIIIIIIIIIIIVE!" I cried.

Roxas, alarmed, grabbed my legs as they kicked desperately at Lexaeus' back and pulled. He pulled so hard we slammed into the next door, where impossibly loud snoring rumbled.

Roxas covered his bleeding ears.

"OW! Who's riding a lawnmower over the carpet?" he asked.

"No… It's just Zexion's snoring. He's Number VI. When he's not cooking he's sleeping half the day off. Most of the time we have to wear earplugs or blast music," Axel said. "Good news is he makes some righteous cakes when he's awake. You just have to drop by the Riddling Cavern. Anyways, very talented baker. He and Xaldin have the best cooking contests. I eat till I faint. It's the greatest…"

"Unfortunately, he's not waking up until another hour or so, so let's just leave," I said.

We dragged Roxas right past Saix' room. No one ever went into Addled Impasse and returned in one piece. I quickly explained to Roxas that Number VII struck fear in everyone's hearts, and pretty much only answered the Superior. The claymore did the talking for him.

Axel's room was 'Devastated Wake', aptly named. The man had a room so messy he could scarcely walk, and yet he knew exactly where everything was. Strange, no? You can guess Number VIII didn't get many house calls. The only thing that was clean and in full view was his hairdryer, hung up on the wall beside the bathroom.

Besides the never-ending mess, he CONSTANTLY blasted his music. Dreadful. I don't know how Saix ever gets his shut-eye. Usually I'm up at two a.m. strapping pillows to either side of my head to block out the noise.

Maybe that's why Saix is so irritable. He never sleeps.

ANYWAYS, to the Melodious' Nocturne's room!

Yours truly likes to keep his room lived-in. There's sheet music scattered everywhere, I haven't vacuumed in three months, and my cloaks are hanging in a tree just outside my window 'cause I hate my closet. My sitar is in a rather peculiar resting place. I stick it in a sort of chain hammock on the ceiling, so no one can harm it.

The water theme is rather played on in my room. The wallpaper is this real nice ocean scene, I sleep on a water bed, and I have three fish in a tank too big for them. I named them 'Sora', 'Riku', and 'Kairi'. Don't know where the names came from.

But the strangest thing in my room is…

Sitting on the shelves lie a collection of cameras, about six and they were all in relatively good collection. In the middle was my other most prized possession: my camcorder. Touch it and die. I mean it. It's my baby.

It might seem strange to you, having a collection of cameras in 'Ruin and Creation's Birth', the name of my room, but I use them all right. Frequently. Especially the camcorder.

And therein lies Demyx's dirty little secret.

You see, in my spare time, I'm the castle's self-proclaimed photographer. I take pictures at meetings and such.

But mostly…I take secret pictures of the other members.

They never notice, but I sell them in Dark City to Dancers and stuff for a bundle! I'm pretty sure Xemnas knows, but if he does, he could care less. It's not his problem. Currently my best-seller was the one up-close picture I managed to get of Marluxia. It was a miracle, and it was worth it. All over Dark City the next day. Gotta admit, the man could really make some spending cash if he went into the modeling service. Then I could jack forty percent of his earnings as his photographer.

Heh…you won't tell anyone, will you?

- -X- -

Throughout the tour, I noticed something, and not just that X, XI, and XII are missing from it.

Actually, Luxord, Marluxia, and Larxene were still planning to kill me, so for my own safety, I stopped.

For some reason, every person Roxas had been introduced to screwed up his name save Axel. Eventually, people went with the majority and called him Rucksack. You see, Organization XIII has a very low attention span. If something isn't an event that forces them to come out of their rooms, they don't remember it.

At first, it didn't bother Roxas too much. That first week he'd arrived was a rough one. His room still wasn't ready, and he was pretty much sleeping in the rec room's couch. Axel managed to get him at the dinner table, but there, it was all 'Rucksack, pass the potatoes,' or 'Rucksack, easy on the coleslaw'.

The worst part was, the only reason they did so was because they were too slow to remember anything else. No matter how many times Roxas tried to remind them of his name, they'd just revert straight to Rucksack.

"How is it these people can pronounce Saïx, Demyx, and even LEXAEUS, but they can't even pronounce my name? R-O-X-A-S! ROXAS!" Roxas yelled.

"Oh, it's not so bad. It's just 'cause you're the new guy. They did that too me too. But since we missed your inauguration ceremony, chances are this isn't gonna let up for a while…Rucksack! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" I laughed. Axel stuck his chakram into my forehead.

"Hey! Watch it! I just got all the little claymore bits out!" I snapped.

We started arguing, all the while Roxas stared out of the window, and his eyes locked onto the lawnmower.

"Killing them won't work. I have something better in mind…" Roxas said, smirking maliciously.

Axel sighed.

"Alright, what do you want to do?" Axel asked.

"I hope it's an evil antic!" I added.

"Oh…just something to jog their memories. Or rather, imprint something into them…"

- -X- -

It was Dusk 504's turn to mow the lawn that day. He wasn't expecting his boss Axel to suddenly toss a chakram his way and…POOF! Gone.

Axel looked around, sweating furiously, and broke the lock on the tool shed, revealing the pristine lawnmower.

Roxas rubbed his hands eagerly.

"Go time," he thought.

The little trio we had going gathering in the courtyard.

"Okay, Demyx, you're going to be the Scout. It's your job to make sure that if any unwanted visitors come along, or if anyone is watching, you take 'em out fast!" Roxas said, handing me a pair of high-tech binoculars.

"Got it!" I said, my sitar materializing while I jumped on top of the tower overlooking the lawn.

"Axel, you're the tail gun. I want you to keep a steady fire blast just above the tailpipe. The lawnmower will make too much noise if I turn it on completely, and it won't make enough of an imprint at the current setting, so you're very important. Oh, and if Demyx misses…" Roxas began.

"Got it," he said, his chakrams glittering in his hands as he twirled them.

"So what are you doing?" I asked, Axel smacking his forehead with exasperation.

"I'm driving," was all Roxas answered with, still smirking.

At first, I was very bored watching for intruders. I knocked out Xaldin and locked him in the tool shed. Xaldin had actually seen what was going on and I wasn't sure what to do with him, all I did was hope I knocked him out hard enough.

All the while, Roxas burned rubber on the grass with a terrible shredding noise. Then I realized how dangerously fast Roxas must have been driving on the grass because the lawnmower was a blur even while shredding through that jungle of a courtyard we had.

Eventually, I managed to see what exactly he was aiming to do. A big flaming 'ROXAS' had been forever

blazed into the courtyard.

All the rooms had a window facing this particular courtyard, so if they ever awoke in the morning and went to the windows, that was what they would see.

The new guy in question had a loudspeaker and was yelling "THAT'S RIGHT. I, ROXAS, STOLE YOUR PRECIOUS LAWNMOWER AND VANDALIZED YOUR STUPID COURTYARD! HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

When someone laughs maliciously into a loudspeaker, you know that perhaps a therapist is required.

"WHY DON'T I JUST RUN SOME OF YOU OVER? THAT SEEMS FUN!" he continued. He ran over the tool shed and Xaldin, leaving a big stinging tire mark.

Yikes. Not good.

I could hear Axel through the communicator thing Roxas had supplied for this little prank.

"Demyx, Roxas has gone berserk! He won't listen to me, and I'm almost out of fire! Stop that nut before I have to! He's heading straight for the SUPERIOR'S ROOM!"

Oh crap.

I didn't know what to do. I jumped on the speeding lawnmower, landing painfully on the hood, about to slap Roxas back into reality when…

BAM!

We slammed straight through the wall and into the Superior's study, scattering books and papers everywhere, and even sent the Superior flying.

And I was right there on the hood, Axel out of fire power and collapsed against the trunk, Roxas frozen still holding up the loudspeaker.

The Superior was about a millimeter from the car ornament, with a slightly irritated face.

That's bad. Out of all of us, Xemnas is the one who shows the least of the emotions façade and the most of the emotions concept. If he acts angry, something has disturbed him greatly. Translation: WE'RE SCREWED.

"Roxas, why did you slam a lawnmower through my study?" he asked.

"Uh…people kept screwing my name up?" he replied. Wow. This conversation is about as awkward as a two-legged horse.

"Thanks a lot. I was really comfy here. Xaldin made some good cookie dough and-" Xemnas began.

"Cookie dough?" Axel asked "I love Xaldin's cookie dough. I wonder what he puts in it…"

Far off, and weakly, we heard "TOP-SECRET. Don't touch…my…recipes."

"Yeah. Xaldin's cookie dough. I'd give you some, but it's mixed with books, papers, and little pieces of the antique desk I had in here. AND you sent me flying," Xemnas said irritably, brushing off drywall from his cloak "The good news is, I finished all your applications. We can have your inauguration party tomorrow. So don't worry if people didn't get your name right. I also sprung for a brass nameplate for your room. You're going to be the first to have one."

Roxas was quiet. If he had a heart, I'm guessing it would be in a million pieces by now.

"So what's our punishment?" Axel asked.

"Mow the lawn. It's a real jungle out there. Now go. I have to go apply for Dusks to go move Roxas's things in," Xemnas said.

We looked at each other. I looked at Axel, he looked at Roxas, Roxas looked at me, and each expression was the same.

'This really sucks.'

"Come on. Let's go mow the lawn, Roxas," I said.

"Then let's help find the good cloaks for the inauguration," Axel said.

- - -X the end X- - -

_**Author Note: I'm really hoping for a few reviews. It's pretty much my first KH fic…ha, I love groveling. Alright, bye for now! Cali IX out! **_


	2. Larxene's Lost Closet

**Cali: Oh, thanks for all the glowing reviews! No, really. Reading them brought smiles to my face! So I felt like writing some more! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Demyx, or Larxene's clothes, no matter how comfy they are. **

_**XII-Larxene's Lost Closet-**_

"Man, I'm bored," I said off-handedly.

"Just wait. It's my turn to play against Roxas right now," Axel snapped.

"What, you mean you're still not tired of losing?" Roxas asked.

We were all playing video games in his room. Video games were Roxas' inauguration present, much like my camera collection or Axel's hair-dryer, and as usual, Roxas was killing us all. How he always managed to win was a mystery to Axel and I, and we coped with lots of sea-salt ice cream.

I finished off my third one, and slowly got off Roxas' loft bed.

"I wanna go wreak some havoc," I said "Let's go into Dark City and stalk the Dancers. They've been wanting to see my gold ol' sitar for a while now."

"Yeah, the Assassins do want me to give a pep talk," Axel mused, rubbing his chin.

"And I DO want to duel some of my Samurai…" Roxas muttered, pausing the game.

"Eh, who are we kidding? We all know what Dark City is REALLY for!" I said.

"PARTIES!" we cheered.

"But…we're broke. We spent all our cash on stupid knick-knacks and candy," Axel said, finding his munny pouch completely empty.

"Same…Why don't we extort something from Luxord?" Roxas asked.

"Nah…he got a safe installed yesterday and I didn't have time to spy on him for the combo," I sighed.

"Then let's go see who else has any money," Roxas said, taking out his binoculars.

"Good idea. I'll go get a ladder," Axel said.

So we set up camp in the halls, armed with Axel's ladder, my camcorder, and Roxas's intuition as to who to steal from, or if anyone had anything worth stealing.

Roxas deemed Xigbar had nothing too valuable in his room save the surfboard, which wasn't money evidently.

Xaldin only had his recipes and about fifty bucks tucked away beneath his belt. We took that, but fifty munny wasn't going to do much. Some of those party drinks cost at least twice that!

Vexen had a laboratory full of experiments, a stack of lab applications, and six dollars stuck to a coffee stain. We didn't bother.

Lexaeus didn't even own a wallet, but he had a gym full of tortured Nobodies. If you're wondering how Nobodies can move in impossible positions and stretch like elastic, it's because of Lexaeus.

Zexion had that cake Axel loved so much, and a piggy bank full of nickels. Axel took the whole cake and the piggy bank while Zexion continued to snore.

Saix never had money, but he had sleeping pills which Roxas threw out the window out of spite.

Marluxia never let anyone into his room, so even if he had a treasure chest an atom bomb wouldn't chase him out long enough for the trio to snatch it.

Then something interesting happened.

I spied a bright red jewel in Larxene's closet. Larxene was nowhere to be found, probably out for the day in Dark City, so I alerted the others.

"Hey, guys! I found a ruby in Larxene's room!" I yelled to the others.

"Hmm…we could pawn that off! But first, is it real?" Roxas asked, rubbing his greedy hands together.

"Well, let's go find out!" Axel said.

We walked inside Larxene's room.

"Here it is…" I muttered, digging through one of the drawers in her closet, gripping the red jewel, and pulled.

What was revealed afterwards was something the trio of us treasured forever.

In my fist I held a wadded pair of underwear, decorated with an enormous red jewel. It was brand-new, too, it was still in its little bag.

We stared at in breathlessly.

"I'm SO glad we have a girl in the Order!" I chirruped.

"I'm keeping it," Roxas said, placing it firmly on his head.

"But if Larxene finds out, we're DEAD!" Axel realized.

"Oh, she's got millions. She'll never know," I said "Besides, panty-raiding is a time-honored tradition between men. I'm surprised we haven't done this sooner."

"Yeah. I hope it's this comfy on the bottom half," Roxas said, stroking the black silk.

Axel sighed, smacking his forehead.

"That's right Roxas. Put it on your head where everyone can see it."

"Yep," he replied.

"I'm sure the panties will keep us happy till we get our paycheck at in a couple days," Axel resigned.

- -X- -

It was soon discovered the briefs were very comfortable to wear, not just on your head but over your pants. I mean it's just so soft and comfy…and it's pretty too. It's about ten times easier to run when you wear it over your baggier pants, and it keeps the hair nice and clean if you put it on your head.

The three of us often fought over who would wear it when. Roxas was a major panty hog, Axel didn't want to give it up when he had the chance, and I bit anyone who tried to take it from me.

"Roxas, it's my turn to wear the panties now," Axel said, pausing the game.

"You're just saying that so you won't get your butt kick at Tekken," he replied.

"He's right. I never get to wear it. If you didn't wear it so long we'd both be happy," I snapped.

I grabbed it off his head.

Axel instantly seized it the second it came off Roxas's head.

"HEY!" Roxas and I snapped.

"It was my turn anyways," he reasoned.

I snatched it from him.

"No, it was mine. I barely get any time with it!" I snapped.

"You had three hours yesterday," Axel said, reaching for it, but Roxas took it before he had the chance.

"Thank you," he said, placing it on his head again like that's where it belonged.

I grabbed the distressed underwear again, but this time, Roxas and Axel both had a grip on it.

We all pulled a corner, stretching the fabric to new limits.

"Let go!" I snapped.

"It's mine!" Axel growled.

"You're stretching out the silk! How is it going to stay on my head after this?" Roxas asked.

Suddenly, the panties shot up like elastic into the ceiling and landed on the ceiling fan.

"Dang. It's not coming down for a while," I grumbled.

"This all your fault, Axel. If you hadn't been hounding after MY panties, this never would have happened!" Roxas snapped, hitting Axel.

"YOUR panties? Who brought the ladder in, genius? And besides, your fixation to that triangle of black silk was unhealthy! Morbid even!" Axel yelled back.

"I don't think just one pair was enough anyways," I murmured, unnaturally reasonable that day.

"You're right! One is never enough! Who knows how many more pairs Larxene has? We could be wearing two, or even THREE at the same time!" Roxas replied excitedly. "We could be rolling in the silk panties! She can always buy some more."

"Why don't WE just buy some more? We get our paychecks after dinner today," I said.

"Do YOU really want to be caught at Nobody's Secret purchasing a load of women's underwear?" Roxas asked.

"Hmm…you have a point there. Well, what do we do? We can't live without those panties, and she'll notice if we take more than we're supposed to," Axel replied.

"That's not going to stop me. She really won't notice a few pairs. She didn't notice us take an expensive new one for three whole days, so a few old ones won't matter. In fact…" Roxas began.

"Uh oh…this is leading to a psychotic idea, I can tell," Axel muttered under his breath.

"One of us is going to have to take her out to Dark City tonight so she doesn't notice us rob her! That way we can take as much as we like without her barging in!" Roxas finished.

"But then she'll REALLY kill us!" I whimpered.

"Oh, come on. Think about it. We might really be rolling in the panties, and if anyone asks about the missing clothes, we'll tell her that a Dusk accidentally threw out her wardrobe!" Roxas replied.

"But for that to be true we have to take the whole closet, hide the clothes amongst us, make sure that absolutely NO ONE sees even a scrap, and dispose of the wardrobe. All this without a single Organization member finding out about anything!" Axel gasped "Being one hundred percent FOOL-PROOF!"

"Axel is right. If anyone does find out, the whole Order will be on our butts!" I added.

'Well, we'll have to come up with a distraction big enough," Roxas said.

"Roxas, you've been here long enough. You should know it takes a MONUMENTAL distraction to get through to these people," I said.

"We'll come up with something," Roxas said, eying the emergency alarms.

--X- -

"Axel, do you think you can create an enormous amount of smoke without actually burning anything?" Roxas asked.

"I guess. But I'm going to need Demyx's help on that one," Axel said.

"Help him stupid. After that, I need you to summon about twenty of your Dancer Nobodies. They're good actors, right?" Roxas asked. I nodded "Then tell them to act real scared and panicked. Bang up a few walls and break some vases."

"Okay. My sitar can do some good bashing," I said.

"I'll knock out someone and set off the emergency alarms. That should scare enough people off long enough for me to go into the castle and take Larxene's wardrobe uninterrupted," Roxas said.

Axel and I both nodded.

"After that, I need you, Axel, to go and 'escort' Larxene to a party in Dark City. It's on me. Have a few people dance with her, then give her a drink. By then, she'll probably be too into the party to notice this tranquilizer in her arm," Roxas said, holding out a green dart.

"It should keep her under for about forty minutes, so be smart about when you use it. It has to last long enough for the operation to be successful. Meanwhile, stupid is going to make sure no one comes into the castle at the off-chance someone's smart enough to see through our 'emergency situation'. Don't hold back, just knock them out. Oh, and I'm putting the dresser's contraband in your room, so keep that in mind. Be the first in the castle. That's super-important," Roxas finished.

"So what are you doing?" I asked, Axel smacking his forehead in irritation.

"I'm robbing the wardrobe. After that, I'll chop it up and dump it in the Dusk Pit," Roxas said.

"Sounds good," Axel said.

"It's GO time!" I said.

Axel and I moved to the middle of the hall.

Axel set out a thick, continuous stream of fire, when I set a trickle of steaming water. Instantly huge amounts of smoke were produced, cloaking the many castle halls. We kept going until Roxas began coughing furiously.

"D-Demyx!" Roxas coughed "Summon them!"

"Oh, right," I muttered.

I whistled, and twenty of my Dancers appeared.

"Hey, ladies. Looking hot!" I said.

"Tee-hee! You're not looking bad yourself, boss!" they giggled.

"Are you going to dance with us today? We miss having you around!" one said.

"Sorry, no. But I do have an exceptional acting part for you guys," I said.

They all leaned in closer.

"Listen," I stage-whispered "I need you guys to act like you're in a panic. I'll be there too. Try and knock over a vase, and if a few of you could seem a little faint…"

"No problem, boss man! We're good at that! We'll even throw in some shrieking for free!" a Dancer said.

"Hey, hurry it up! We don't have all day here!" Roxas snapped.

"Okay!" I replied, and returned whispering to the Dancers "So if you could just fall into a panic now…? Rush people to the outside of the city, will you? Make it seem like a major explosion happened or something…"

"Sure thing, Demyx! Tee-hee!" they all began giggling again.

"Okay then, go!" I said.

They instantly began scurrying and shrieking as they stumbled through the halls.

"Oh no! Oh no! The castle! It's been damaged!" a Dancer yelled.

"You all have to leave right now! The smoke's getting worse!" another Dancer shrieked, coughing.

I began banging on doors.

"Guys, guys! The Castle's going boom! Alert the Superior! Evacuate! Evacuate!" I yelled.

I banged up some of the walls, ripped wallpaper, and tipped vases over.

"HEEEEEEEEELP!" one Dancer cried, tears dripping out.

At this, some members actually began coming out of their rooms, noting the smoke, and also banging on more doors.

In about three short minutes, the castle, its servants, and the Superior were all shivering in their cloaks outside Dark City, Axel in the crowd but not Roxas.

"Hey, where's Roxas?" Xemnas asked "It won't do to have my XIII get hurt while we sort things out. I already filled out applications for Dusks to search the castle for bombs or fires, so there could still be some in there."

"Oh, he told me that his shoe fell out the window in all the panic. He's probably in Dark City right now," Axel said. Then he walked over to Larxene.

"Speaking of which…my Assassin pals are holding a little shindig at Fragment Crossing. Wanna come?" he asked.

"Um…since when do I go to parties with you?" she asked.

"Exactly!" Axel said "We never go anywhere! I really do want to be friends with you. You've got this style I really like! And the HAIR! Awesome!"

Probably more at the hair comment than anything else, Larxene warmed to Axel.

"You really think so? I spend ages getting the spikes right. It's hard to find guys who appreciate how girls slave over their appearances. Like that stupid Demyx," Larxene said.

"Definitely. Stupidity is that guy's defining quality," Axel said. They both laughed.

"So, what are we waiting for? Let's PARTY HARDY!" she cheered, and they walked into Dark City.

"Stupid…I'm not stupid! It's just the world's a smart-aleck!" I snapped, but no one listened.

The funny thing was, Axel and Larxene really did become friends.

Ironic, seeing as the purpose was initially to rob her butt.

Speaking of robbing…

Deep inside the Castle, Roxas was stuffing an enormous burlap sack with Larxene's unmentionable garments when suddenly, he felt more silk, and it was coming from inside the main wardrobe.

Roxas threw the closet open and saw Larxene's clothes, the ones she wore under her cloak. It was either black silk or black satin within the closet, something Roxas liked very much, and when he put some on, he found they were just as comfortable as the rest of Larxene's closet, with little bows and jewels as decoration.

"I'm really liking this," he thought to himself "To think I would have just thrown the rest of this stuff out!"

His eyes gained a mischievous glint, and he stuffed the sack with the entire closet's contents.

Finally, when the sack was full to bursting, and he stuffed the last sock in his cloak, he set his heavy load down and diced the wardrobe with his duet Keyblade.

He scattered every last piece into the Dusk Pit outside one of Larxene's windows, but by some very unfortunate chance, a piece hit Saix on the head.

"Painful," he thought, plucking the bloody splinter out of his skull. "What on earth is going on in there? I hope that wasn't from my room…oh, what if it was? I better go in there."

He was walking towards the door, to my sheer horror.

"Uh…S-Saix, it's dangerous in there!" I stammered, about to wet my pants.

"So? I've got my claymore," he said, and continued to head towards the entrance.

"There's no r-reason to go in there during an emergency situation! The castle could go boom!" I stuttered.

"Yeah, and? Someone might have chopped up my wardrobe, so I'm getting a few cloaks. Just practicality, although you wouldn't know," he answered, producing the wood splinter.

Oh darn. I know that soft yellow paint. That was from Larxene's room. Saix could jeopardize our operations if he went in there before Roxas was out!

Roxas said not to hold back and just knock them out. Knocking Saix out, besides being near impossible, usually meant you wanted him to kill you.

You can imagine how I felt bring my sitar up just before he entered the castle and clocking him on the head so hard his chin hit the top stair. Terrified beyond all reason.

The only good piece of luck I had that day was that no one else saw me drag him back to the makeshift campsite and make him look like he was sleeping.

But then something really unfortunate happened.

I saw Axel come back with Larxene, both laughing about the party, with Larxene STILL AWAKE.

"So then I said 'No way, man…that pie is SO diseased!'! And then I threw it right back in his face!" Axel said, suppressing a laugh. Larxene roared with laughter.

"Excellent! That's what I'd do too! I'd go 'Your pie tastes like freaking drywall, loser!'!" she laughed.

I dragged Axel aside violently.

"Are you CRAZY?" I asked.

"What?" Axel asked.

"You were supposed to tranquilize her!" I snapped.

"Oh…Oh! Right! Well…I kinda lost the tranquilizer. But no worries! A good hit to the head will concuss her!" Axel replied.

"There's no time! The smoke's gonna wear off soon, and the way she's laughing she's not going to sleep any time soon!" I snapped back.

"And I think Marluxia just went back in," Axel said.

"CRAP!" I yelled, banging my sitar on the ground. "There's just no end to the screw ups! Our plan is shot!"

"Nuh uh," said a voice.

"ROXAS!" Axel and I cheered.

He walked out of the door with a collapsed Marluxia on his shoulder, setting him beside Saix.

"Whoa, Demyx…did you do that?" he asked, referring to Saix.

"Had to. He was too close to the truth," I said.

"What truth?" I heard Larxene suddenly ask.

We froze.

"Uh…nothing," Axel said, dismissing Larxene to go find out more about what happened to Xemnas.

"So what about Marluxia?" Axel whispered.

"He saw the sack…and I was…kinda wearing Larxene's shirt. You know the actual clothes are just as comfortable? I took the whole wardrobe!" Roxas whispered in reply.

"Really? That's awesome!" I added.

"I put the sack on the chain hammock in your room. We'll divide it up tomorrow. So, everything else went without problems?" Roxas asked.

"Roxas…how heavy was that sack?" I asked, suddenly terrified.

"Pretty darn heavy. Took a lot just to drag it across carpet," he replied.

"Roxas…that chain hammock can't hold that much weight! My sitar was the limit!" I replied.

He lifted the sitar to test the weight, and realized he'd made a grave mistake.

"Well, we can't do anything about it now. The smoke's run out. Just…we have to make sure at least one of us makes it in first, so we can fix things," Roxas said. "Other than that, no problems."

Suddenly, the Superior called out to the group.

"Come on, everyone. The Dusks are giving the report of the castle," Xemnas said.

We all crowded around.

"So, what caused the emergency? Fire?" Xemnas asked.

"Sorry, sir. We were unable to find a clear blaze, or even scorched objects. We assume that a smoke bomb was fired, sir, but are unable to find witnesses, sources, or culprits. No bombs were found to trigger the alarm. The only witnesses we had were the Dancers, and they were too distraught to report," the Dusk reported.

"Dancers? How many?" Xemnas asked.

"Seventeen, sir," the Dusk replied.

"Seventeen Dancers…there aren't usually that many in the Castle at a time. They're performers, and accomplished actors, but they don't usually serve. For that many to come at a time, Demyx must have summoned them," he mused. He looked directly at me.

"Did you summon Dancers, Demyx?" he asked.

I grew flustered. Uh oh…lying to the Superior…if he finds out, I'm screwed!

"No! Um…Well, why would I? I think I might have summoned some for concert-going…and they brought friends and…" I stammered.

"I don't remember hearing any Dancers in the halls," Xaldin said "And they didn't come into the kitchens like they usually do. They love my homemade candy a lot, so that's the first place they go."

Dang. I should have knocked him out!

"Well, I told them to… stay in my room! And practice? Yeah! They were practicing in my room, and Axel was blasting his music so he couldn't really hear!" I said.

"Well, I sure didn't hear anything," Luxord said "You sure you're telling the truth, mate?"

"Enough about that. Keep reporting," Xemnas said.

"There weren't any casualties and minor damages, sir. Just some broken vases and knocks on the wall, but nothing major. Of particular interest was that the smoke was relatively clean. There wasn't that odd burning smell, and smoke bombs usually have some level of noxiousness, but it was almost like…steam, sir," the Dusk said.

"Did you find any broken vents when you surveyed the rooms for damage? Anything like that?" the Superior asked.

"Not that I know of, sir. The rooms were undamaged. Only one thing went missing," the Dusk replied.

"What was it?" Xemnas asked.

The three of us looked at each other with terror clear on our faces. The Superior was so close…

"A wardrobe, sir. In room XII, a wardrobe disappeared from between sweep shifts, with little to no evidence of where it is or where its contents went," the Dusk reported.

We all nearly died from lack of air. We'd been discovered!

"I really should have left the wardrobe there instead of chopping it up…" Roxas whispered almost inaudibly.

"Not your fault…they would have seen your fingerprints on it…" Axel whispered back.

Roxas was considerably calmed by this fact.

Larxene was distraught at the fact her wardrobe was gone.

"My clothes!" she cried.

"Don't worry, Larxene. We'll find where your wardrobe went," Xemnas said. He turned to the Dusk "Are you positive you didn't see any trace of the wardrobe in the castle? Or maybe a trace of the culprit?"

"No, sir," the Dusk replied.

"Okay then. You are dismissed," the Superior replied.

The Dusk disappeared, leaving the Order confused and Axel, Roxas and I saying our prayers.

"All right, I want alibis from every one of you!" Xemnas said, feigning anger which had us, of course, scared. "Who stole Larxene's wardrobe and why?"

Wow. I thought he might have figured it out, but Axel was the smooth talker, and quickly swooped in.

"It's possible that one of the Dusks surveying the castle took the wardrobe for safeguarding under order, and it fell into the Energy Pit," Axel said.

"Under whose orders?" Xemnas asked. No one answered "Then if they took it for safe-guarding, why wasn't anything else taken? And if no orders were given, they would have to clear it by me."

"I want the truth. Who set off the emergency alarm? Someone put everyone through a load of trouble for some reason, Larxene's wardrobe has gone missing…" he said "AND someone has incapacitated Saix and Marluxia!"

Luxord went first.

"Well, I was playing poker with Zexion over a gold watch and a German Chocolate cake when the alarm sounded, and we continued our game out here," Luxord said, Zexion confirming the alibi.

"I was in the gym with Xigbar in another intensity test. And we had arm-wrestle just now, and I won eighty munny," Lexaeus said.

"I swapped recipes with an Assassin for their cinnamon apple tart recipe," Xaldin said, whipping out apple tarts, which everyone grabbed.

"I was with Larxene at evacuation, and with Roxas before that," Axel said quickly.

"I-I was with my Dancers. My sitar accidentally hit Saix at the big finale, so that's why he's out," I stammered. "M-My bad…"

"Where were you, Roxas?" Xemnas asked.

"He was with me, in the castle," Marluxia said. "He had a big sack, and he put it in Demyx's room."

Roxas was paralyzed, Axel had popped a blood vessel out of stress, and I momentarily couldn't breathe.

"Y-Yeah…just a sack of cloaks I loaned from Demyx. F-From when mine were stuck in the w-wash and I had nothing to wear," Roxas stuttered.

We both nodded.

"Then how did you get knocked out, Marluxia?" Xemnas asked.

"Well-OW!" Marluxia groaned, clutching his head "Probably got hit in the head with something, it happened too fast for me to remember. Roxas was the last thing I saw."

"Didn't Marluxia steal Larxene's clothes when he went in?" Axel asked.

The look of respect and admiration Roxas had for Axel at that moment was something no one could miss. You got to admit, the man had chops in a tight situation like this.

"I did not!" Marluxia snapped "It seems like Roxas!"

"Well, it seems awful convenient for you to lose consciousness and disappear just before the clothes were stolen!" Axel snapped.

"There's no way for you to tell whether it was before or after the clothes were stolen! So there!" Marluxia snapped.

"Exactly!" Axel snapped right back.

Axel and he stuck their tongues out at each other sulkily.

"There's only one way to tell for sure. Search the rooms!" Xemnas said.

Axel and I were terrified, but Roxas looked eerily calm. We didn't understand why.

Every room seemed to be in order, but the Superior rechecked my room just to be sure.

"Everything seems to be in order-hang on…" Xemnas said, peering at the chain hammock in the ceiling. A stuffed burlap sack was hanging precariously from the chains.

"Strange…" the Superior said, and picked up the burlap sack.

I was ready to cry when the Superior dumped the contents of the sack on the floor, when…

"Demyx's cloaks. I can tell the cologne from any where. Looks like Roxas' alibi holds," the Superior said.

What he didn't know was that secretly, the tree where I kept my clothes was free from cloaks. I'm not sure how Roxas managed at the last second, but he did, and he used those cloaks.

"Now…let's check Marluxia's room," he said.

The whole Order seemed ecstatic to finally go in, but only he and Marluxia were allowed inside.

"Dang…" we all groaned.

A few minutes later, the Superior came back out.

"Nothing in there either. Perhaps Axel was right. I'm not sure how the wardrobe was misplaced, but it was," Xemnas said.

"I remember a splinter falling from a window," Saix said, showing the shard of the wardrobe to the Superior and Larxene.

"It's got the same paint as my wardrobe…" Larxene said, and seemed even more distraught than before "My wardrobe was blown to pieces!"

"Maybe that's what caused the alarm to go off. The culprit was very adept at covering their tracks if they used a bomb," Xemnas said "In either case, no use crying over spilt milk. Larxene, your wardrobe will be compensated for. Until then, you can borrow clothes from the storeroom since your peers probably won't have anything that fits."

Larxene seemed furious at what had happened, when Marluxia came over.

"Don't worry Larxene. I'll help you pick out some clothes later. I know some good shops," he said.

She sobered.

"Thanks Marluxia," was all she said, and she filed back into the castle with the others.

--X—

Like Roxas had promised, we were soon rolling in the silk panties. We wore three, four, sometimes even five pairs at a time and life couldn't have been better.

"You know, this is even better than actually existing," Axel sighed.

"No one appreciates silky clothing anymore…" Roxas said, also sighing.

"The pink ones make me feel pretty," I murmured randomly.

"There were some real close calls there. Xemnas came pretty close to finding out," Axel said.

"Yeah. If it wasn't for my excellently fast thinking, we wouldn't even be here right now with even more spoils than when we started," Roxas said.

Suddenly, Larxene's voice came from behind the door.

"Guys? Can I come in?" she asked.

"Uh…hang on! Let us clean up a little and make room!" Axel said.

We let the radio blare as we frantically stripped out of all of Larxene's clothes and stuffed them in the closet, blocking it with a box.

"Okay! You can come in!" I said.

Larxene came in and settled herself on the couch, helping herself to a canned refreshment.

"Thanks a lot guys. I'm real irritated about what happened to my clothes, but Xemnas stayed up all last night to get the applications in. I'm getting my clothes delivered really soon," she said.

"That's great!" Axel said "But we're pretty boring today. The game's busted." He was obviously lying, but it was important that she leave.

"Oh, no biggie. There's some board games in the closet-OW!" she snapped. Her head banged on the ceiling fan, and the jeweled black panties slipped from the blades to her face.

"Huh? What's this? My new panties!" she cheered "I've been looking everywhere for them! But how the heck did they end up here?"

Larxene looked at us as painful realization had dawned.

Roxas looked at me, I looked at Axel, and Axel looked at Roxas, and our faces said the same thing.

'WE'RE SCREWED.'

"Dang. We're dead," Axel said.

"Shall we run for our lives?" I asked.

"I think we shall," Roxas said.

We ran from the rec room with Larxene just a step behind us.

--X the end X—

**_Author's Notes: DANG! They're screwed! Are they fruity because they wear that stuff? Nope. Strictly a comfort issue, I believe. Cali IX out!_**


	3. Cameras and Bedrooms

Cali: Great THANKS to all my reviewers! Of particular note… 

**Blazing Fool…! I'm not sure how to put this in the correct words…at all. Just that you're still reviewing for me…**

**I'm not that articulate suddenly. **

…

**Just read the chapter…**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Demyx, or Organization XIII/XIII Order. **

XI-Demyx's Cameras and Marluxia's Room! 

Axel, Roxas and I…

Well, we're Nobodies, so 'close' is pushing it…What I meant was, we actually came to tolerate each other's presences. There aren't any friends within the Organization, and there still aren't. Well, Axel and Roxas come pretty close, but still.

We spend lots of time together. When we're not playing video games in Roxas' room, we're doing crazy body art to each other in Axel's room among blasting music. Like, we gave Axel these two tattoos underneath his eyes. Roxas was convinced they were very modern and trendy, and so did Axel…until he found they were permanent in every sense of the word. Glad we decided not to give him that butt tattoo…

In return, Roxas and Axel spiked my hair straight up, and dyed the spikes blond. He says I'm already blond inside, so I might as well play the part. As for Roxas, he didn't want anything much permanent in terms of hair or tattoo, so we dressed him up like a chick with Larxene's unbearably girly clothes, complete with full makeup. It was a priceless moment, and Roxas nearly decapitated me when he found out I took a whole roll of film of just him dressed like that.

And when we weren't doing THAT, we were either concert-going, with Roxas and Axel cheering as my Dancer troupe and I killed at clubs and stuff. Sometimes they just chilled in my room with sea-salt ice cream, listening to me compose.

But of course, you all know our REAL occupation.

Extorting money, stealing, spying on people, and manipulating those around us for personal gain! Roxas calls those little ventures 'experimental missions'.

We even did those together. Axel and I chatted it up with Xaldin on a daily basis if only so Roxas could pocket his latest batch of cookies, or his pie. That was the only way you could get food in the kitchens nowadays…sigh…non-existence sucks. Or, if we wanted money, we all worked together to beat the tar out of Luxord and steal his wallet.

But…every once in a while, a man is compelled to a solo mission. One where he must complete alone, and if he does, said man gains a certain inner peace not gained before.

I never told Axel or Roxas about my plans. I just couldn't.

I can't tell you every detail right this minute, but I can tell you where it started.

--X- -

It began with a single snapshot.

Like I said, my personal hobby was to spy on the other members for some good pictures. What's a good picture? Seeing them do stuff people wouldn't expect. Like…Xaldin cooking, or Xigbar's secret surf pool. Or perhaps an attractive picture of them. Everyone has had at least one good picture, even Saix. The latest picture I took was the Superior reading on his bedroom floor, with his feet dangling in the air like a child would read.

But…the absolute best pictures I have are of Marluxia. I haven't many taken to public; most are forever confined to my albums. They induce all Nobodies to have happy feeling, or at least remember their happiest moment. Strange. I've only taken four pictures of him out to public and they have raked in at least TRIPLE of all the other pictures combined. The demand for them was high, and on the first day, a third of all Dark City bedrooms had one. My Dancers swooned over them endlessly.

I liked taking those pictures. They were good. The first one I took was a head-to-toe one of him with him holding his scythe in an exceptional way while training. The other was a close-up picture of him feigning a smile while sitting at the garden's fountain. That one was the best-seller.

I find it unbelievably unfair that he was making me the most money, but he never came out of his room long enough to inspire us again. I only have one other picture of him besides, but I'm saving it for when I'm broke and it's a life-or-death situation. It's a very special one...I'm not willing to part with it for just anything.

Frustrated as I was, my other pictures still brought in enough cash for me to get a bank balance big enough for me to yell at the stupid banker if he tries to put interest in.

Eventually, Roxas and Axel found out about my money.

"Demyx, you've got so much cash lately. What the heck's going on here?" Roxas asked, irritated that I mysteriously had so much money.

"Eh…" I grunted, and continued strumming on my sitar.

"No, really. Tell us you waste-of-non-existent idiot, before I dice you with my duet!" Roxas snapped.

Axel held him back.

"Calm down, Roxas. What's wrong with you?" Axel asked.

"We could've been partying at The Memory's Skyscraper with all the cash he has, instead of just Fragment Crossing! That's why I'm so mad! Why didn't he tell us concert-going got this much money? We would have karaoke'd along with him!' Roxas growled.

"Oh, it's not from concert-going. I'll tell you where-from if you promise two things: Don't kill me, and don't you dare tell a soul, not even your subordinates! They'll get ideas," I said.

We huddled together.

"All right, spill. Roxas and I agree that we won't kill you, no matter if it turns out you've been auctioning off our underwear in Dark City. That is how, right?" Axel asked.

"Close…I've been selling photos of the Order in Dark City. They pay through the nose to see you out of the shower, Axel," I said.

"You SURE we can't kill him, Axel?" Roxas asked.

"No, because we're in on the business too. You should have told me just plain old pictures got so much money. Not even clothes, just pictures. And just little old ME in a bathrobe? How much do they go for?" he asked, starting to get excited.

"At LEAST five hundred. Eight hundred if the picture isn't a photocopy," I answered.

"WHOA! You get five hundred for PHOTOCOPIES? Wow, I'm hot," Axel mused.

"You shouldn't have told him that, Demyx. His head'll swell to a beach ball," Roxas said. He shifted his eyes between my cameras and Axel and then asked "So how much do my pictures go for?"

"Pretty solid. The regular pictures go for about four-fifty, and the hot pictures go for close to eight. But people only buy real ones if they're hot," I replied.

"This is real business," Roxas began "You should have told us ages ago. I can monopolize something like crazy, and Axel's good with advertising. If you deliver, we could have swimming pools full of munny!"

"Hmm…never thought of it like that. Just something to get a little gold-and-blue into the old munny pouch," I murmured thoughtfully.

"Well, your chump-change photographing days are officially OVER. What's your bestseller? We can make it into an industry!" Roxas snickered, rubbing his greedy hands together.

"Marluxia…" I said reluctantly. "But it's nearly impossible to get his pictures."

"Marluxia, huh? Always seemed a little…well, flowery to me. We have to spy on him to see just how good he is," Roxas said.

"Impossible. Most of his windows are curtained. We'd never get a clear shot from the hall," I answered.

"He really likes his privacy. What does he do in there all day?" Roxas asked.

"Yeah…you sure you've never spied on him in his room, Demyx?" Axel asked.

"Never had the opportunity. I got a flash of him in it through my camera. Best picture in my whole collection, and it was a darn miracle. The curtains flapped for an instant, and my body just pushed the button for me," I said "It was lucky…REAL lucky…"

"Can we see the picture?" Axel asked, both Roxas' and his face eying me with a curiosity I'd never seen before.

"Um…it's a…_special_ picture. Really, really special…" I muttered.

"What, is he in his birthday suit?" Axel asked.

"No! I mean that on a spiritual level! Why do people always go into the gutter first?" I asked.

"What? I was just asking," Axel said, shrugging.

"Just show us the darn picture," Roxas snapped impatiently.

"Tear it and I will kill you both. Touch it and you will wake up tomorrow with bruises in the medic hall. BREATHE on it and you will experience a pain like none other. Understood?" I asked. For that moment, I stopped feigning emotions and just used my evil voice.

Needless to say, Axel and Roxas got the picture.

I opened up my decorated photo album, and on the first page, was my most prized picture.

Through the curtains flapping was Marluxia in all his glory, without his cloak, holding his scythe, the rod touching the ground as the wind blew petals all through the room, of which I didn't see much of. There seemed to be a great deal of flowers in the room, as there were petals scattering in the breeze, but the thin curtains hid most of it.

I go into detail about this picture because it moved the duo just then. A look of sheer awe was on both their faces, like they'd seen the Light. If ever a Nobody came closer to experiencing emotions, it was then. At that moment, the awkward, broken smiles on their faces seemed…genuine.

I waved a hand in front of their faces. I snapped my fingers. I strummed an exceptionally bad chord on my sitar. Nothing could make them tear their eyes away from that picture.

Finally, fed up, I screamed in their ears: "ROXAS IS A SORA CLONE!"

That got them to look away.

"Who's Sora?" Roxas asked.

"I dunno," Axel said. He was nervous that Roxas had heard that name, but didn't show it.

"Sora's my fish. You looked just like him, gaping like that," I quickly explained. Whew! If Roxas got curious about You-Know-Who, the Organization would be screwed out of one member!

Luckily he forgot about that.

"Demyx…" he said quietly "T-That picture…"

"It's cool," Axel finished awkwardly. I'm sure they meant something along the lines of 'WE ARE NOT WORTHY!' but whatever.

"Yeah! I'm not sure I can monopolize this just yet…Too good for the public," Roxas mused.

"Why aren't you plotting how to profit from this yet? This is weird for you, guys," I replied, utterly confused.

"Who cares?" Axel asked. "Just keep the album open."

Here's where the chaos starts. Oh god…

"LUXORD! GET YER BUTT OVER HERE!" Roxas yelled.

Luxord yawned and stowed his cute little clown nightcap away.

"What is it? I was up all night gambling in Brink of Despair…!" he groaned.

"Feast your eyes on this!" Axel said, motioning to the open photo album.

Luxord eyes widened at the sight.

--X- -

It's amazing what can happen in such a short amount of time.

Roxas called Luxord, Luxord called Xaldin, Xaldin called Xigbar, Xigbar called Lexaeus, and after that I lost track.

The massive crowd in my room all dog-piled onto the couch, with Roxas holding the album with shaking hands, opening each page with the crowd 'OOOHING' and 'AAAAHING'.

It was a nightmare!

Certainly in my collection there were many, many pictures of Marluxia, but collectively it took me about…three years to get that much. Yes. Since Marluxia got here. It took three years just to fill one tiny album. Yes.

"Roxas, leg off knee! Leg off knee!" Axel mumbled underneath the impossibly large crowd.

"Sorry," he said.

"Great. Now your elbow's in my chest. It took an hour just to get Luxord off, and now your elbow's in my chest," Lexaeus snapped.

"Sorry," Luxord and Roxas said, shifting.

"You're both crushing me," was all Zexion said.

"Why are you talking? I've been dealing with your stupid foot in my face forever!" Xigbar hissed.

"Help! It's dark and I can't breathe…" Vexen whined.

"Oh boo-hoo. Sit beside Xemnas for a while and tell me having his legs on your shins isn't fun!" Larxene growled.

"Oh, that was you?" Xemnas asked "I'm only here because Demyx was blocking my view, and his hood was suffocating me."

"JUST HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE!" I yelled.

"SHUT UP!" the room roared "We're trying to see."

"Well I can't move the book anymore because Axel's chakram is really hurting…" Roxas groaned, trying to pick the chakram out of his wrist.

"Larxene, I think it's high time someone told you to move your darts. They really chafe my ankles," Xaldin said.

"Great. Xaldin, your lance has been whacking me in the back constantly. Lock it up before I chop it to pieces!" Larxene snapped.

"Is this even a couch anymore? Seriously, you're all in impossible positions from what I'm hearing," I said.

"Well if SOMEBODY would remove their shield from the bottom of the couch, we wouldn't be crowding like this…Vexen!" Xigbar exclaimed.

"Yeah. And if somebody would remove themselves from my claymore, that would be appreciated," Saix droned.

"Sorry. It's really getting desperate in the middle cushion," Luxord said, jumping off Saix's claymore.

"What, Saix is here too?" I asked "Great. Why don't I just get my album back and-"

"Do you really think it's worth it?" Xigbar asked, pushing a gun to my head.

"Hey! Hey! I just got the chakram out, don't make me hurt you!" I growled, bringing up my sitar.

"Shut up, Demyx. Your voice is starting to bug me!" Larxene snapped, revealing darts.

"Hey people! Sit down or I'm giving Demyx the book back!" Roxas cut in. "Hey! Where'd it go?"

"The people wanted a new book holder. You always turn the pages too fast," Zexion said, staring at another picture.

"Hey!" Roxas grunted "Oh, it's on!"

He brought out his duet Keyblade.

"Now, now…no massacres or-Axel, remove your incredibly sharp elbow from my shoulder or things will get unpleasant," Xemnas said calmly.

"Does no one care that I'm practically hanging off the top of the couch here?" Vexen asked.

"Oh boo-hoo. I'm practically upside-down here, but you don't see me crying," Luxord said.

"GAA-A-A-AAAAAAAAH! LEXAEUS, STOP MOVING!" the dog-pile yelled.

The couch finally stopped rocking, but not before half of the occupants was thrown right off.

"Sorry," he said meekly.

Saix promptly sat in the middle of the couch, the comfiest spot.

"Hey! I was sitting there!" Xigbar snapped.

"And…? You got thrown off. Too bad," Saix said, and continued staring at the photos.

"Still upside-down…" Luxord whined.

"Here you go," said another random voice.

"Thanks a lot," Luxord said, grinning.

He joined the crowd that was peering at the photo album.

"Vexen, get off me. That's the only time I'm going to say this nicely," Axel said in a creepy voice.

"Can't…move….or… breathe," he choked.

Axel noted Lexaeus using Vexen for an arm rest, and grimaced.

Zexion turned the page, turning the book sideways so people could see the wide pictures.

"OOOOH!" went the crowd.

"AAAAAH!" went others.

"Hmm…that's not such a bad picture," said the random voice, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

The crowd looked up and saw MARLUXIA in the room.

"Okay, Saix I can handle. Xemnas I can handle. But WHAT THE HECK? When did you get here?" I asked.

"Oh shut up and give him room," Xaldin grumbled, and set Marluxia on me.

The picture viewing continued, which I couldn't see because a certain SOMEONE was sitting on me all comfy-like. I was flattened! You try having a twenty-five year old assassin sit on you like a cushion, OW!

Can this day get any worse?

"And…that's it," Zexion said.

The crowd was shocked into silence.

"Whaddaya mean THAT'S IT?" Larxene yelled.

"YEAH! We want more!" Luxord snapped.

"Roxas, WTF?" Lexaeus growled.

"No…no, we're not out! Let me and my cohorts here talk a little and smooth things over!" Roxas said, scratching his head irritably, Axel and he dragging me to a reclusive corner.

"Listen you useless husk of a Nobody! We need more pictures!" Roxas snapped, shaking me furiously.

"I already told you it's impossible! It took me three years to fill up ONE album! It isn't easy to pull pictures out of my hat!" I answered.

"Well, it's not that hard to take his picture!" Axel reasoned "There's got to be a way…"

Xaldin, Luxord, Lexaeus, and Xigbar came into the discussion, as today seemed to be 'Just Go and Cut Into a Conversation Day'. I hate JGACIAC Day.

"Is there a problem with the pictures?" Xaldin asked.

Lexaeus grabbed me and lifted me like I really was a useless husk.

"Listen, mate…we're going to be civil about this," Luxord said.

"Bring us more pictures or… squish…! HAHAHAHA!" Xigbar laughed unpleasantly.

"Oh, c-come now! You're all s-smart, h-handsome civilized p-people! I'm sure we can work something out!" I stammered, sweating furiously with fear.

"I'm not sure you heard us correctly. More pictures or…" Xaldin said.

"Squish," Lexaeus finished, pressing me between his massive palms into about the width of a tuna can.

"EEP. Axel, Roxas, help," I squeaked desperately.

"Let him go, guys," Axel sighed "He can't take pictures if he can't breathe. He'll fade."

I actually began to fade a little, and that's when Lexaeus let me go.

"Remember, you twat!" Luxord snapped. "No pictures equals squish!"

"I don't understand. Why didn't you just your powers?" Roxas asked, wiping the sweat off his brow.

"Because I was being squished into a Frisbee?" I asked.

"Still. I could totally use my Keyblade duet and slice my way outta there!" Roxas said.

"Wanna bet?" Lexaeus asked, picking up Roxas.

"Put him down, Lexaeus-" Axel was grabbed as well.

"I could turn you both into disks right now," Lexaeus answered "I won't, but if stupid here fails I'll have to squish you both as well. After all, you're both involved as well. It's only fair that if you profit from Demyx's photos you also get crushed like a grape with him."

Roxas and Axel both nodded with fear.

They left.

"That was weird. He coulda crushed my head like a grape and yet I wasn't thrashing around with my Keyblade duet," Roxas groaned.

"Told ya," I replied, sticking my tongue out.

"This is real disconcerting. We'll have to come up with one honey of scheme-" Axel began.

"No. I'm going in alone," I answered.

"WHAT? What're you talking about? Is this a Mission Impossible movie or something?" Roxas asked.

"I heard the third one was a dud," I answered.

"Don't change the subject!" Roxas snapped.

"Demyx, how do you expect to go in alone? Our butts are on the line, and they're a heck of a lot more valuable than yours!" Axel reasoned.

"Relax. Recon's my specialty. I've had more experience in spying, and I know his movements. No one's better for the job," I answered.

"B-but…going alone? It'll never work that way! WE never work that way!" Roxas challenged "How do you expect to track him?"

"Look, it's not that big of a deal. I'll just lock everyone in their rooms so they don't wreck my operations. After that it'll be easy to lock Marluxia in his room and just lurk…" I said.

"B-but…" Roxas stuttered.

"Relax. It'll all work out. Those idiots will take anything. I don't need stupendous shots to wow them," I replied.

Axel and Roxas sighed.

"If things go sour…we'll be there," Axel answered.

They shooed the crowd out of my room and let themselves out.

--X--

I whistled for a few of my Dancers.

"Hiya Demyx! Looking suave as usual!" my Dancers giggled.

"Thank you, ladies. I've been using a new cologne…anyways, can you do me a teensy favor?" I asked.

"What is it? Dancing? Singing? Acting? Ikebana? I love to arrange flowers!" one cheered.

"Nope. I need you to block all the bedroom doors. Think you can manage?" I asked.

"Boss!" a Dancer snapped, seeming hurt, squirting onion juice into her eyes for a teary effect "You slay us!"

"We can block a thousand doors! In one minute! Sometimes I think you think little of us!" they all whined, all 'crying'.

"Well, can you?" I asked.

They all nodded stiffly.

"Move out!" I ordered.

They saluted and skated through the halls, stopping by the kitchen for vast amounts of candy before moving to block the doors.

They all laughed and chatted the castle into the pit as they broke doorknobs with their skates, welded door hinges, and slashed at the door's framing.

"Do you want us to slash VIII?" they asked.

"Yes. ALL of them," I ordered "I don't want any interruptions for my very important work."

They all nodded mechanically.

"We understand," they said.

"You do?" I asked, surprised.

"Yes. We won't breathe a word!" they replied enthusiastically, smashing Axel's doorknob into his door.

I tried my best to smile then, although I probably failed miserably.

They impaired anyone's use of the door for quite some time. How no one heard was a mystery, but then, WHAT exactly they do in their rooms is just a big of a mystery.

I rubbed my hands together.

"Thank you, girls. Yet again you've managed to save my butt from annihilation," I said.

They all genuinely blushed as I hugged them.

"M-Master Demyx!" they whined "This is why we miss you so much when you're gone!"

"You're so sweet!" they giggled.

"Aw, shucks girls! Don't make me blush too! Go on, scat!" I said.

They giggled one last time before warping.

"Now…to break into Marluxia's room and get those pictures!" I thought.

I leapt into my tree and nearly died jumping past Luxord's room.

I used leather straps and fixated myself to Marluxia's window. If one such Creeper were to glance at the Castle That Never Was, he would see an exceptionally large black thing squirming with fear on a window.

But you know what?

It was a long way down.

REALLY LONG. And it ended in the Dusk Pit. Why, oh WHY couldn't have it just been some ground? At least I just hurt for a little while instead of turning into a low-life servant! Dispensable…unable to ever sing, talk or concert-go with MY Dancers!

It's times like these I really hate myself for being the crazy idiot I am.

Needless to say, a great fear overcame me at that moment.

"FOR ART!" I exclaimed, clutching my camera.

I knocked right through the window and tore the curtains off, thus creating the perfect peeping place. Granted…that he doesn't look out his window.

Suddenly, the model in question came into full view.

I quickly snapped about eight photos in quick succession before he noticed something.

"Ugh…I hate seeing that empty moon…too bright…what happened to my curtains?" Marluxia groaned from inside the confines of his room.

He looked at his window and saw me strapped to it holding a camera, and gaped in disbelief.

"Hello," I said, smiling awkwardly.

"Um…why are you-? Never mind, just get in here before you break my window some more," Marluxia snapped, and dragged me inside.

"Hang on a minute. I have to give back your curtains," I said, squirming to thrust the curtains back in.

--X--

"I've got a question," Marluxia stated.

"I've got an answer," I replied.

We sat on the little coffee table, sucking on sea-salt ice cream.

"Why were you strapped to my window like a leech?" he asked.

"More like a fly, actually. And…it's kinda complicated," I said, my eyes darting around.

I was in Marluxia's fabled room, and hardly able to believe it. It WAS a nice room though. So pink…but in a fluffy kind of way…

Yeah. I'm so fruity right now.

Anyways, he could make some cash from being an interior designer. Real nice spread, you know? I've not an eye for furnishings of any sort, if my room is any indication, but…things just worked together.

If looking at his picture made you feel, being in his room right then made you be.

I don't care what he does in here, even if it's just sitting on the floor, it's well worth it if four walls and a few wooden doorstops could make anyone feel like this. Yeah, me and closed rooms don't get along.

There seemed to be some sort of piano music in the background…so soothing…making me sleepy….snore…

"Demyx!" Marluxia called.

"Huh? Wha…? Oh, sorry," I said.

"It's okay. The music puts me to sleep too. I'm usually in here signing enough applications to last a lifetime," Marluxia answered, pausing to lick more ice cream. "For the summer castle, you know? Castle Oblivion. It took eight stacks of applications for the name alone."

"Really?" I asked "I thought applications were Xemnas's thing, since…you know. He's ALWAYS signing those. Seems like this whole non-world runs on the stuff."

"Actually, yeah. Proof of existence, you know. Everything in this non-world needs a proof of existence," Marluxia said "It's the only way we Nobodies may exist. Our hearts are a ruse, and so is our existence, and there is nothing we can do to prove otherwise."

"I know, and I don't like to acknowledge it. Sometimes…I have reason to believe we CAN exist. We just need will strong enough," I said "It's why I do what I do. It's why I am part of the Order. One day I'll be whole again. I can feel my heart out there somewhere. Can't we all?"

"I suppose. It's why we remember," Marluxia answered. He paused for a moment "As much as I like contemplating spirituality with someone, would you mind explaining your…unconventional entrance?"

I sighed. I was really hoping he'd forget about that.

"I'm not proud," I said quietly, handing Marluxia the photo album.

He flipped through it.

"So…that's why you're always stalking me," Marluxia mused "And I thought it was because you wanted to nab me."

"Well, at the beginning I did. But then I saw how much I liked taking them, the pictures. Just…the natural simplicity. It's how pictures should always be taken. It's how I always take them. But yours are different. They move Nobodies inside," I said "You know…it's brazen of me to say so, but I'm a photographer to my non-core, and I've waited forever to just…talk like this."

Marluxia was quiet.

"You're very strange, Demyx," he answered "I'm your fellow Order member. You should be able to communicate with all of us."

"Yeah, but…" I tried "It's really hard for some reason."

'Well, you're welcome here any time," Marluxia said, and then added "I liked taking pictures with you too."

I froze at this.

"Really?" I asked, my brain almost stopping function.

"Yeah. It's nice to be admired," he answered.

"Maybe I should tell you that some of the pictures were publicized and sold for ridiculously high prices, and that I take pictures of all the Order members secretly but you make the most money, TRIPLE the others and you should go into the modeling service! I'd be your photographer and it'd be great! We could totally own Organization XIII!"

I said that out loud, didn't I?

Marluxia rubbed his chin thoughtfully.

"Can Larxene come too?" he asked "Wouldn't be the same without her. There aren't any friends in the Organization, but she comes close."

"Oh sure!" I shot, and instantly fainted.

He said YES! He said YES!

…

Why do I feel like I just proposed here?

"Y-you agreed? I actually said that out loud?" I asked. "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! PART-AY!"

I began jumping up and down, swooning, and yelling 'EXCELSIOR!'.

Marluxia backhanded me.

"Sorry, but you were getting a little hysterical. And yes," he answered.

"OH! I've waited my whole career for this moment! Hang on, let me take out the application…" I said, shuffling through my robe.

"AH! Here it is! The business deal one!"

I quickly signed it.

"Okay, your turn," I said.

He just had the pen in his hand when suddenly…

CRASH!

"DEMYX!" Axel yelled.

"STUPID!" Roxas yelled.

They swung low through the room on ropes, hoisting Marluxia on their shoulder and promptly restraining him with all manner of straps and restraining-thingies.

"GUYS! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?" I roared.

"Saving your butt!" Roxas snapped, gagging Marluxia firmly.

"You can thank us later!" Axel snapped, tying Marluxia to a chair, Roxas snatching my camera away.

"Smile pretty!" Roxas said, the camera flashing again and again and again…

I smacked them both on the side of the head with my sitar.

"You IDIOTS! I was THIS close, THIS close to getting a modeling deal with Marluxia!" I screeched, smacking them both furiously "He was gonna agree too! Not only was I going to have all the pictures I needed, we ALL would have been filthy stinking rich! I hate you!"

"Wait…what?" Roxas asked, dropping the camera in shock.

"Marluxia was actually going to agree to let us take his pictures!" I snapped.

"Oh…" Roxas stammered almost inaudibly "You and he talked…and he was gonna agree and we just…"

"That's right!" I snapped.

"Oh crap," Axel said, smacking his forehead. "Demyx, Marluxia, we're sorry."

"No, we're not," Roxas pointed out. "Nobodies, remember? Can't feel sorrow."

"Just keep with the program, okay? We're sorry," Axel reiterated.

"You better be!" said a chorus of voices.

We looked in fear at the collection of Xaldin, Xigbar, Luxord and more importantly Lexaeus walked into the room.

"Thought locking us in our rooms could stop us, huh? No dice!" Luxord snapped "And I know dice. This was the only room unlocked…"

WHAT? I thought my Dancers broke them all! Jerks…I'm never flirting with them again!

"Where're the pictures, Demyx?" Xaldin asked.

"You took them, right? To avoid a painful beating by-" Xigbar began.

"Moi," Lexaeus finished.

They gathered round.

Roxas looked fretfully at the camera at his feet, with the precious film pooled around his foot.

"AAAAAAAAAH! MY CAMERA! ROXAS, YOU RETARD! MY BAAAAABY NEEDS ME!" I squealed, swooning promptly.

"We're screwed…" Axel growled.

"I hope that's not the camera with our pictures," Luxord said "I thought painful threats usually worked!"

"Lexaeus?" Xigbar asked.

Lexaeus punched his fist in anticipation.

"I broke the intensity tester at the gym today! I'm in top form!" Lexaeus grunted cheerfully.

At this shock, I got up. Oh great. We're dead.

"Congratulations. Why do I flipping care?" Roxas asked.

"Just thought you should know why your hurt wish has been upgraded to a fade one," Lexaeus said.

Axel, Roxas and I grimaced.

"Don't worry! Let's just leave the same way we came!" Roxas said, backing up into Marluxia's chair, and racing for the door.

Marluxia, unfortunately, chose this really unfortunate moment to break out of his bonds like they were made of tickertape, and faced us, breathing heavily.

Is it just me, or did the room just get colder?

"You're really not sorry," Marluxia said, breaking the chair he was tied to "But you're going to be."

His frightening-beyond-all-reason scythe appeared, and the crowd slowly began closing in on us.

"Great. Not only did I lose a modeling deal, I'm going to get beat up by two sets of people! THANKS A LOT!" I snapped.

"And we're in Marluxia's room too. Too bad we won't exist long enough to enjoy the wonderful interior design," Axel sighed.

"That's what you're worrying about? What about me? I never even got a chance to pick up my driver's license at the DMV! I'll never have the chance to drag race off a cliff for a COOL death! Instead I'm gonna get my ass kicked!" Roxas snapped.

"You know what really tanks about this? For once, I wasn't the one who screwed up and I won't live long enough to enjoy the superiority!" I snapped.

"There must be some way out of this!" Roxas growled, smacking his forehead in frustration "Come on, think! Think!"

"We could fight our way out," I said.

"It's two against five. Good luck," Axel said.

"Two?" I asked.

"You suck at fighting and you know it," Axel clarified.

"Oh, right," I said.

"Here's an idea. Why don't you just give the Hurt Crew your cameras?" Roxas asked.

"No way. I won't be able to make any more money and neither will you people. And the pictures I already have might as well be munny," I replied.

"It's munny or our butts!" Axel snapped.

Just then, another unfortunate thing happened. The rest of the Order walked in holding my entire photo collection, and they didn't seem happy.

"Demyx, we'd like to talk to you about some of these pictures," Zexion said, his voice colder than usual.

"He's right. First off, what are you doing with so many? And of the Organization?" Xemnas asked.

"Yeah! And why are they so personal?" Larxene added.

"We want answers," Vexen snapped.

"And for your sake, they better be adequate," Saix finished, his claymore jabbing my shoulder.

"He sells them in Dark City for a bundle," Marluxia answered "And those three are the ones responsible."

He pointed to Axel, Roxas and I.

The Organization took out their weapons.

"W-what? You can't kill us! Demyx is the one who took the pictures!" Roxas stammered.

"Me? You're the one who was gonna monopolize!" I hissed.

"No! That was Axel's idea!" Roxas whined, pointing at Axel.

"Wait, what? I'm the voice of reason here, and the only one who hasn't recently suffered brain damage!" Axel snapped back.

"We don't care. You were both in on this and you didn't try to stop him. So say goodbye!" Vexen growled.

"Oh no, I am NOT getting beat up by the rest of the Organization for this!" Axel sighed.

"I didn't even do anything! I'm gonna kill you, idiot! This is all your fault!" Roxas snapped.

"My fault? I'd be rich right now, but you two just jumped right in!" I yelled.

Roxas whipped out his duet Keyblades.

Axel swung his dual chakrams out.

I called over Sparky, my sitar.

We all glared at each other, weapon in hand…

Xemnas shook his head.

"Just kill them all ready. He saw me in my boxers," he sighed.

"Five bucks on Roxas!" Xaldin cut in.

"Ten on Axel!" Xigbar added.

Luxord ignored this.

"Roxas has a point. This is all Demyx's fault. After all, he had the cameras," Luxord mused.

"Luxord's got a point there too. I mean, he's the one who locked us in our rooms," Zexion thought out-loud.

"So really, we should kill him," Saix observed.

"My fists are itching! Let's just start smashing!" Larxene cheered.

The Organization soon had an enormous brawl that began with a single snapshot.

And I learned solo missions equal solo in a brawl where they all want to kill you.

---X-the end-X---


	4. Luxord's Gang

Cali: Sorry I took so long. My mind was reeling with these story ideas, and then…I just couldn't write! Just like that! BOOM! I overflowed with the creative juice and it ALL came out!

**Glad that's over. Anyways, thanks a million to all the reviewers! It really means a lot to me. I'm sorry the last chapter was so bad but this should make up for lost laughter! **

**Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own KH. Simple. **

_**-X- Luxord's Gang!**_

Hey. It's me, Demyx. That's right, and I'm back to annoy you once more.

Anyways, Roxas, Axel and I were lamenting our clear lack of the greenbacks as usual over sea salt ice cream and video games…

"Man…I really want to go to the party the Gamblers are having at Memory's Skyscraper, but I don't even have enough for entry, forget playing chips!" Axel sighed.

"I know. It totally sucks. You can seriously get rich off those Gamblers," Roxas agreed "But I find it infinitely weird that we get pay every week and it just disappears!"

"Uh…nope. We spent this week's two thousand on buckets of ice cream, more video games, weapons' equipment at World That Never Was' Columbia Sport, shiny new cloaks, stuff at Nobody's Secret, and not to mention we went to a good thirty parties," I said "All in all, it's been a very fulfilling week."

"So?" Roxas asked "We're broke now, and I wanted to go to thirty more parties, except that SOMEBODY had to go waste the last of our money on red highlights…when they have RED HAIR!"

"What? An Axel has to stay beautiful," Axel replied. "I have a reputation to uphold."

"Whatever. Let's just go rob someone's butt," Roxas replied.

We jumped onto the ever-present ceiling rafters of the set-err…I mean castle halls, to go find unsuspecting victims to rob.

"Hmm…there's Larxene…oh, but she has mace on her. Lexaeus is broke…hmm…Hey! It's our old friend Luxord!" Roxas perked up "Let's get him!"

We jumped him, flipping his cloak over his head so we could steal his wallet. Roxas grabbed a pouch full to bursting with munny.

"Bingo," Roxas snickered.

Axel helped Luxord up.

"Jeez, Luxord. You don't even put up a struggle anymore. If I had feelings it'd be real sad," Axel said.

"Actually, I have something to show you," Luxord said.

We just kind of stared at him.

--X—

"So…what do you do in your spare time?" Luxord asked.

"We rob, extort, and manipulate. Usually to get munny, but food's always good," Roxas said.

"Munny?" Luxord asked, confused.

"Well, yeah. You should know. We rob your butt all the time, badly, too," Axel said.

Luxord instantly burst into roaring laughter.

"What's so funny?" I asked.

Luxord stopped laughing for a moment, before he started laughing even harder. He banged his taut fist on a couch, gasping for breath, tears dripping out of his eyes, before he finally stopped.

"You're really good at laughing, you know? It's like the hardest thing to do," I observed.

"Takes practice," Luxord said.

Roxas gave him a strange look.

"So, anyways…are you going to tell us why you put on such a show?" Roxas asked.

"It's just that it was terribly amusing that you thought you completely robbed me every day," Luxord answered.

"Why? We all get paid the same, and there's always so much munny in your pouch, you must put all of it in," Axel added.

"That little change purse? Let me tell you. Comparing the wallet you rob every day to how much I REALLY have is like comparing a miniscule particle of evaporated water to the amount of water in all the oceans of all the worlds multiplied-"

"How rich are you?" Axel asked incredulously.

"I PAY XEMNAS. That's how rich. In fact, I started the castle's treasury, and I'm the financial advisor for the-"

"Stop! STOP! I'm already drooling!" Roxas choked "You don't have to say anymore! We know you have ENOUGH munny!"

"HOW?" I asked Fuujin-style.

"Let's just say that in my spare time, I rob, extort, and manipulate," Luxord replied, stippling his fingers.

_-Crickets Chirp- _

"That's what WE do, and we're broke all the time," Roxas sighed "Come on, there must be some secret."

"Okay, let me rephrase that. Comparing your little operations to my entire organization is like-" Luxord began.

"Don't use that analogy. It hurts us inside," I cut in.

Luxord used Roxas' previous strange look on me.

"Okay there," Luxord said "Anyways, I have an enormous organization that garners munny. Like what you guys do only there're a million Gamblers and Dusks instead. Besides that, they don't rob or extort. They only manipulate whole worlds out of their munny."

"How?" I asked for the seventeenth time that day.

"Gambling rings. No one can resist them. And the reason I called you here is because I think you three would make an excellent addition to my team," Luxord answered.

Before Roxas could even open his greed-directed mouth, Axel pulled us over for a trinity.

"Roxas, I don't like the smell of this. Something evil is afoot," Axel said.

"Well NO DUH! I thought you'd have gotten used to my evil aura by now," Roxas said.

"Oh, loosen up, Axel. We'll be rich in no time!" I cheered.

"But there has to be a catch. He MUST be planning to screw us over," Axel reasoned.

"But what reason is that? NOTHING, that's what! For the first time ever, someone is about to WILLINGLY let me near their life savings! So if you're so scared of the big bad Luxord, we can just screw him over first!" Roxas decided.

Axel was about to oppose very avidly, but Roxas simply yelled "WE'LL DO IT!"

Now here's what we were all thinking at this point.

Me- Hmm…maybe I can finally buy the Organization better cloaks. With more Nobody signs!

Roxas- This is what I've been waiting for all my unnatural life! Time to start planning something!

Axel- I can just tell Roxas is already planning something. I just hope I can get some more red highlights in while I wait for Roxas to get our butts kicked…

Luxord- Heh…like leading lambs to the slaughter. Suckers. I'm SO going to screw them over!

We'll be right back after these messages.

--X—

"Okay, we're ready to work. Which table?" Axel asked the annoying lady at the front desk.

"Hang on. I'd like some identification first. You guys look like card counters to me," the annoying lady at the front desk whined.

Roxas grabbed her head and smacked her rock-hard skull against the desk.

"There's our ID. And that goes for anyone else who is stupid enough to try and make an Organization member give ID," Roxas stated "Come on. I wanna smash some more empty husks around."

Everyone cleared away from him.

Axel sighed.

"I HAVE to get a leash for you one of these days," Axel sighed.

Roxas just nodded, before realizing what Axel said. Uh oh…things are going to get painful…

"Look, we're here on business, remember? Luxord said to go to the annoying lady at the front desk to get our Gambler uniforms," I said. "I…hope."

"Demyx is right. Hey, lady, does your brain damage stop your capacity to hand out uniforms?" Axel asked. The lady threw Gambler uniforms at them "Good enough."

We changed into the silly costumes.

"Hey, look at this! I can move my top half and my bottom half separately, just like the others!" Axel realized, laughing.

"Hey, I can make giant dice come out of nowhere. Me like…" Roxas realized.

"Hmm…do these match my eyes?" I wondered.

"Come on idiot. Let's start hustling!" Roxas snapped, hitting me on the head.

We walked over to a random table, to some Nobodies who seemed like they were in the middle of gambling merriment.

"All right, here's the deal. We cut the cards, you set the chips, and we play a round of poker. Winner takes all," Axel said, not bothering to ask for space, and just shoving three people off. "Sound good?"

"Well, how much are you setting down?" a Creeper asked.

"Eight thousand, plus a little…interest. Granting, of course, that you actually win," Axel winked.

The Nobodies stared at Axel before frantically emptying their wallets, pockets, everything.

"There. There are six of us and we managed to put fourteen thousand together. You do know that you have to multiply this by eight if we win?" a Dancer asked "Since you set down eight thousand."

"Oh, don't worry. You won't be disappointed," Axel said, grinning.

"I really don't like how you just smiled now, but whatever. Deal," a Berserker said.

So Roxas and I were forced to play along with Axel and play one bad game of poker. Really bad. In fact, we lost seven hundred and ninety-nine munny in a SINGLE ROUND.

Axel only smiled through it all, grinning especially at his hand.

"Say…how would you feel like pulling a wager? Double or nothing," Axel said.

The Nobodies laughed.

"Please. The only way you'd be able to get out of THIS one is with a straight flush, which you don't have because I have all four kings and therefore making it impossible," a Berserker said "But we'll humor you. Deal on."

"Guys, it was real nice, and we're sorry for putting you all on a mortgage but…" We revealed our hands. I had the straight flush of diamonds, Roxas had the straight flush of clubs, and Axel had the straight flush of spades.

"We'd like our hundred and twelve thousand munny, please," Roxas said, smirking underneath his uniform.

"**WHAT?" **

"Sorry, but that's the way it has to be. Would you like to pay us now with your existence contracts, or later with everything you own?" Axel asked.

The Nobodies all gulped, handing us very orderly forms before fading in a burst of feathers.

"Sweet. These will sell for at least three hundred and sixty thousand!" Axel said.

"This is what we were born to do," Roxas sighed, thinking about what to do with three hundred and sixty thousand.

"Let's see who else we can con!" I said. We all cheered in agreement.

--X—

The trinity had found its element. Manipulation for ridiculous amounts of cash!

In about five minutes, we were already pushing eight million. We showed no mercy in our vicious poker stratagems.

Nobody after Nobody lost their contracts, until finally…

There wasn't anyone left to con.

There wasn't anyone left to help us stow away our munny.

Heck, there wasn't ANYONE left in all of Dark City.

Just piles and piles of munny.

"Uh…Axel…?" Roxas began quietly, as if fearing the redhead would explode if he tried to talk to him.

He might've too, or at least looked like it. Axel was so angry his head looked less like a Sonic the Hedgehog knock-off and more like a pin cushion.

"Roxas…I'm…" Axel began, as though he was about to explode, when he saw one sorry little Creeper left. "Hey, there's someone-"

It only took three seconds for me to gain his existence document.

"Demyx…" Axel growled.

"What?" I asked. "This is good for sixty thousand!"

Axel sighed, as though pained he even non-existed at all.

"I think this is how Luxord got so much munny. By reducing worlds to nothing BUT the stuff!" Axel sighed.

"Hey, it's not so bad. We're filthy stinking rich!" Roxas cheered "That has to mean something!"

"It's great, but we don't have a home anymore. I'm pretty sure we've even gutted the Castle. Now this really IS the World That Never Was!" Axel snapped.

"Hey, he's right," I sighed.

"So what do we do about it? There's no one here. No one. The houses are empty, the parties are deserted, the stores and all there wares left unattended-excuse me while I start looting," Roxas said randomly.

He threw a flaming garbage can into the window of Nobody's Secret and cleaned the store out.

"Hey…" I said, my eyes suddenly glazed over.

"Uh oh…" Axel sighed. I gave him a puppy-dog look "Okay, Demyx. You can rob the costume shop."

I whooped, kicking through the shop window and putting on the Princess outfit.

"See, I'd NEVER get to do this if people were around!" I whooped.

"Demyx, you're such an idiot," Axel grumbled "And I don't get it? Why don't you guys just USE the door?"

"'Cause we're LOOTERS! Not customers," Roxas answered, slipping on some more panties.

We stared at Axel. Axel stared back.

"Come on. We know you want to join in," I said.

He started yelling with crazy joy, and jumped in the panty pile with Roxas.

And that's how the looting started.

We robbed everywhere, defiled every place, and pretty much destroyed all around because hey! It was our world now, no matter how creepy the moon looked.

The first place we went was Memory's Skyscraper. No one was allowed to step two centimeters in that place without a Visa, so you can imagine how nuts we went.

"And Roxas throws the winning pass to Demyx!" Roxas cheered, tossing a million-munny gold bust of Saix's original self across the room. It crashed at my feet.

"WHOOOOOOOOOO!" we cheered.

"Hey, guys, keep it down! I'm trying to cook here!" Axel snapped.

"You can't cook for beans, Axel! So what's going on here?" Roxas asked, peeking into the kitchen.

"I'm mixing all the ingredients together to destroy the kitchen and explode the lobby in one shot! Stand back, I'm adding the jalapeno sauce!" Axel snapped.

"Oh, this is going to be fun…" Roxas said, stepping away slowly.

The cauldron exploded, sending acid throughout the ENTIRE hotel. Smoke billowed through the halls. The fire alarm set off, drenching the trio in three feet of water.

"DEMYX! Let's BOOGIE!" Roxas yelled.

I nodded, turning up the speakers to incomparable volumes in the clubbing floor.

"HECK YEAH!" we yelled.

"More water! I WANNA SURF!" Roxas cheered, breaking off a piece of the charred drywall. Water continued flooding the walls, to the point where even Axel could swim and his feet wouldn't touch the ground. Thanks to yours truly, of course…

"Hey, Demyx," Axel said, grinning like he had a naughty idea "Wanna burn down stuff?"

"I thought you'd never ask," I replied.

We grinned, and suddenly, Axel burst into flames.

"Hang on. You'll be able to burn stuff too," Axel said.

I gave the carpet an experimental touch and it burned right through.

"I never knew fire could be so cool," I answered.

We engulfed the outside of the hotel in flames. Fun flames, by the way.

Roxas was still surfing inside the hotel, slashing things as he went.

"WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Let's break out the happy times fun box!" I randomly said.

Both of my companions agreed.

We went into the presidential suite, dressed in the silly costumes I looted, blasted the giant television, and watched while stuffing ourselves with ice cream.

"Mm…I didn't know they had a Tekken television show," Axel said, quite comfortable in his Reno costume.

"You look just like him," Roxas said.

"Look who's talking," Axel replied, as Roxas was dressed in a Sora costume.

"I like Mickey ears," I said, dressed as Mickey Mouse. I love that little mouse.

"Change the channel," Axel groaned. Roxas flicked it to some sappy chick flick.

So as you can see, when left to our own devices, we're IDIOTS!

All right, now this part is important.

We managed to ruin an entire world in about…six hours. Compose yourself if this is a good thing or a bad thing.

In any case, we figured that the world was ours. The city was deserted, and so was the Castle.

But we didn't count on…

OUR SUPERVISOR!

"What have you guys been doing?" Luxord asked.

We all froze, our backs ramrod straight with shock. OH CRAP! We were discovered!

"Uh…nothing?" I asked.

"Nice try. The city is deserted, there are piles of munny lying around for no reason, the stores have been looted, and the skyscraper is destroyed! You have any idea how much this will cost me?" Luxord snapped.

"Uh…well…" Axel began.

"And you're dressed stupid, too! That'll cost you blokes extra!" Luxord snapped.

"I would just like to voice that we do not think our fashion sense has anything to do with it," Roxas stated mechanically.

"Care to explain why there are wet knickers on your head, then?" Luxord asked.

We were all speechless.

"Uh…come back to me on that one…" Roxas answered, grinning nervously.

--X—

"You're all fired."

"SNAP! And I just got a new credit card too!" Axel snapped.

"Further more, you will all pay the damages you caused out of your own pockets, which comes to a grand total of six billion two hundred and thirty million eight hundred and sixty one thousand four hundred and seventy-three munny," Luxord snapped.

Roxas instantly broke down and began crying.

"M-my munny…my…munny…munny…it's all…gone…no…you can't DO THIS TO ME!" Roxas cried "I took better care of each one of my babies better than you ever did! NOOOOOOOOOO! DON'T TAKE THEM AWAY!"

Luxord simply vacuumed up all the munny that we earned that night, and just like that, we were broke again.

Our only hope was that no one would remember this, because if they did…we were so screwed. And then we'd really be broke.

The rest of the Order stomped over to us.

"CHEATERS! WORLD-RUINERS" they yelled.

"Crap. They found out about the eighteen aces we hid in our sleeves, and the 'party' we had at Memory's Skyscraper," I sweated. Axel and Roxas both punched me.

"You idiot! There goes any chance of us lying our way out!" they snapped.

"Look, you can kill me later. Let's just run our butts off before they kill us," I answered.

"The scum is right. We'll kill you later," Roxas snapped. Then he looked at the livid Organization. "BUT NOW RUUUUUUUUUUUN!"

And THAT was the only time munny had ever screwed us over. Well, except for those twelve other times on which this story is based.

_---X the end X--- _

_Cali Says: This chapter is dedicated to all my readers, but especially Princess Kairi. Your reviews made me feel all happy inside. What a miracle…after writing this story you start to think you ARE a Nobody! HAW-HAW! Bye now! _


	5. Demyx's Vacation

Cali: OMG! An ENORMOUS thanks to all my reviewers, Abe no Seimei in particular 'cause you rock. Oh, and a particular reviewer asked me to have more world-screw ups courtesy of my lovely trio!

Anyways, I hope you enjoy!

Disclaimer: I still don't own KH, Demyx, Axel, Roxas, or anyone else. Even though they obviously love me more.

_-IX-Demyx's Vacation!- _

It was an ordinary day as usual.

Well, except that Roxas and Axel had been arguing INSANELY for the past three days. They didn't sleep. They didn't eat. They didn't even seem to be separate beings anymore, just constantly roared at each other.

The worst part was, they had these monumental wars in MY ROOM.

I tried to sleep. Honestly. I had deluxe pillows strapped to either side of my head. I had deluxe pillows plus dictionaries. I tried punching them out, but they even subconsciously argued. It was a nightmare.

And do you know WHY they were arguing? It was possibly the stupidest thing in the world to argue about, and yet everyone in the world seemed to do it.

It started out as…

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

You ever read those Happy Bunny books. Check out the one called 'Love Stinks' and you'll find a situation eerily similar.

Anyways, that's how it started. Then it moved to…

"TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!"

"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG!"

"JUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG!"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG!"

And then it wasn't even about that anymore. It was just…

"GUESS WHAT? I BROKE A WINDOW TODAY AND YOU WERE BEHIND ME!"

"OOH, THAT ONE HURT! WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT SO STUPID THE GPA OF MY SCHOOL WENT DOWN EIGHTY PERCENT AFTER I ENROLLED! NOW IT'S IN THE NEGATIVES!"

This sort of silliness never stopped. It doesn't matter who even started it anymore, or if there was anything wrong to begin with. They just screamed insults at each other, and they kept getting worse and worse and louder and louder…

Until I just couldn't take it anymore.

"GUESS WHAT? THE FARM CALLED TODAY, THEY WANT THEIR OLD CORNFIELD SCARECROW BACK!"

"THE JUNKYARD CALLED TOO! THEY WANT THEIR RABID CHIHUAHUA BACK!"

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HECK UP BEFORE I SHOOT SOMEONE!" I yelled.

This particular phrase was so loud it bent the tuning forks in my room. It was so loud the satellite wouldn't work and the TV buzzed with that white noise. It was so loud it actually stopped the two idiots from fighting.

But I still continued.

"ALL YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN DOING IS FIGHTING NON-STOP! I HAVEN'T GOTTEN SLEEP IN THREE DAYS! THREE DAYS! THANKS TO YOU AND YOUR STUPID POINTLESS ARGUMENT! TALK AGAIN AND DIE!"

They both just stared at me, shocked. Who can blame them? Demyx is supposed to be the one who causes that kind of irritation, not voice it.

I stomped angrily out of the room.

"Hey, Dem-" Luxord began, but I smashed his face in with the back of my sitar. "Whoa. What's his problem?"

"Demyx, try my new-" Xaldin greeted, but I took his lance and hacked his braids off.

"Demyx, what's wrong-" Xemnas began, but I threw him out the nearest window.

"DON'T EVEN GO THERE!" I roared afterwards.

Everyone just stared.

"Demyx, you just threw the Superior out of a sixth floor window!" Larxene gasped, then smiled "Marquis de Sade would be proud!"

I just didn't react. The vacant expression on my face remained as I continued walking through the hall.

--X—

"Demyx, it's come to my attention that you have recently been exposed to a dangerous amount of irritation," Xemnas said, sitting calmly at his desk, ignoring the throbbing pain in his skull.

"That's correct. Roxas and Axel-" I began.

"I heard their names together in a sentence. That's enough for me," Xemnas said "But still, we need a remedy for your extremely aggressive attitude. Perhaps a vacation is in order."

"Vacation? You give out paid vacations?" I asked.

"Indeed. You can choose any world to your liking. After you battle Heartless for a little while, perhaps your dangerous bloodlust will be slaked," Xemnas said.

"Interesting…But wait, isn't that what I do anyways?" I asked.

"Why do you think it's a paid vacation?" Xemnas asked.

"Then how is it a vacation?" I asked.

"You'll get to sleep in a five-star hotel and get away from your feuding friends until they resolve the matter. Or at least ruin their vocal chords," Xemnas said.

"Great!" I cheered "Thank you, Superior!" Xemnas smiled. "All right, so when do I leave?"

"Right now," Xemnas said, pushing a button.

A trapdoor opened up right underneath my chair, and with a WHOOSH, I was falling into that terrible, silent air-pocket between the castle and the Energy Pit.

I couldn't even hear myself scream, that's how empty and nothing-y it was!

And in a brilliant flash of light, I was in the Dusk Pit.

"OH NO! I'm useless now!" I screamed "Huh?"

…

Quite abruptly, I realized I was in an airport!

"What the…?"

"Welcome to Twilight Airlines. How may I help you?" asked a friendly Dusk over the speakers.

Dusks milled about, calmly going about their business, carting away luggage, eating food at the food court, and waiting for their airline to be ready as they sat watching the news.

It was an enormous place with light flooding in from the glass ceiling, indicating daytime.

"The Dusks live in a giant airport?" I wondered.

What a strange experience this was. Here I was always wondering why people never came back when they fell in the Energy Pit, never realizing it was an airport.

"Sir, may I help you with your luggage?" a Dusk asked. He was wearing a funny little visor and carried a peculiar label-maker around.

He carted away two big black suitcases and my sitar away.

"Luggage? I have luggage?"

He set them through a scanner and tagged them off.

"All right then, your plane will leave in forty minutes. Please enjoy the snack bar while you wait," the Dusk said.

I simply stared at him as he handed me a trolley with my luggage stacked on, and a munny pouch.

"Here you go," the Dusk said "Buy whatever you want. I have to help the other patrons now."

"What?" I asked.

But the Dusk was already gone.

I supposed that I had to carry my luggage around with me.

I felt so…strange.

"I can't believe I'm in an airport!" I said to myself.

I walked under the pinnacle of the giant glass ceiling and simply lay under it, right on that giant insignia thing all airports seem to have.

"Ah…never thought I'd ever see the sun again. What's going on here?" I wondered. "You know, I always figured airports were part of some alternate dimension. Never guess there was a giant floating castle above the sky, oh no."

My stomach growled, and I glanced at the enormous analog clock.

"Hmm…that weird Dusk said I had forty minutes till whatever plane arrives. I wonder where I'm supposed to go. Ah well, I'll just go buy some food," I said.

I grabbed my trolley and raced to the nearest pizza place.

"Hello. Welcome to Twilight Airlines Pizza. How may I help you?" another Dusk asked.

"Erm…gimme a pizza. Oh, and a drink to wash it down with. Ice cream too," I said.

"Okay then. Munny pouch please," she said, and in about three seconds, I was at a table eating a small pizza.

"This place is so weird. It's like nothing even matters. I feel…so out of place…and scared. But whatever," I mused, taking a draught of my canned Pepsi.

I finished off my ice cream bar, seizing the trolley once more, and went over to the kid's table where all the coloring books where.

"Hey…cool. What're you making, kid?" I asked the only child there.

"A Dusk. These are all Dusks. And there's only one color. White," the child answered.

"You know what? This is creepy. I'm going on my plane now. I don't even really know where I'm going. Nothing seems to matter here," I said.

"Not really. I've been waiting for my plane my whole life. But it doesn't matter, because I like living here," the child said.

I stared at him vacantly.

"I-I'm going to go now. You're freaking me out," I said.

I rolled my trolley over to a receptionist.

"I want to go on my plane now," I said. "This place is freaky."

The Dusk nodded.

"Passport please," the Dusk answered.

"Uh…do I even have one? Hang on…it's somewhere," I muttered, searching through my robes and the trolley, finding nothing.

The Dusk simply clocked me on the head once, the passport falling out of some unidentified place.

"That was weird," I wondered.

"It's good," the Dusk said, stamping it "You can go now. Your trolley's already in cargo."

True to his word, my things were already gone, save the sitar.

"Stow that in the overhead compartment. Good day," the Dusk said, disappearing, a 'Back in an Hour' sign replacing him.

I shrugged, the passport disappearing as I boarded the plane.

I sat uncomfortably in the first place that seemed appealing, dazed and confused. People were already calmly seated, and again, I felt like there was some sort of secret I wasn't privy to.

"Erg…these seats are so uncomfortable! And the tray thingy doesn't fit! And why are the windows so small?" I complained. "No wonder people always want to sit in first class!"

"Passengers should remain seated as the plane takes off. Flight attendants will pass through the cabins with supplies. We recommend that you consult the safety pamphlet in the front of your seat before lift-off. Remember to fasten your seat belt when the red sign flashes as turbulence may occur. Please have a safe flight," the computer voice said.

The plane rumbled slightly as it took off, and I began to panic.

"LEMME OFF LEMME OFF LEMME OFF LEMME OFF. LET. ME. OFFFF!" I yelled, rocking the entire plane.

The plane seemed to ignore me as it soared into the air. My ears popped.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!" I screamed "MY PRECIOUS EARS! I USE THEM FOR LISTENING! NOOO!"

Finally, the rocking and the ear pops stopped, and when I opened the teeny window that was no bigger than a little straw hole, I saw that we were far above the clouds, far above the world, and in SPACE!

"COOOL! I'm going to another world!" I cheered.

There was some stupid movie playing on the plane, which I paid no mind, but instead decided to see how many people I could irritate. I threw little pieces of my safety pamphlet at one old man for about three minutes, but he didn't even react.

The attendants brought food on these huge trays. I tipped one over and took all the food I wanted. No one reacted to that either.

Which was good, considering that you can get pretty hungry on these airlines, even if you had a giant pizza twenty minutes prior.

But that food…you know WHY airline food makes such good jokes? Because it's not really food.

That stuff is absolutely diseased!

The bagels were green. No joke.

The meat was in a cellophane wrapper labeled: insect by-product and Diana's Marinade. That was beyond scary.

The oranges were at least fresh, but they were soggy and for some reason, packed in maple syrup making them inedible.

The sandwiches were some kind of weird vegetarian stuff. Chickpeas, and they were in a spice so powerful I screamed for like an hour. No one reacted to that either.

The ice cream was good. It was Haagen-Dazs, but it was so small! My spoon wouldn't even fit in! I hate it when they skimp on dessert…

So as you can see, I was forced to throw all the food back except the ice cream and cookies, the only things edible, even though they were probably in the freezer since the first Frigidaire was invented in 1937.

I quickly got sick of eating old cookies and popped open my sitar.

I was the only one in the seat, so it didn't bother anyone to have a three-feet long sitar spread across my lap.

I strummed the same old chords as I usually did, the other passengers shocked as their water began floating out of their glasses, swirling by themselves, or rupturing.

As soon as the water had properly soaked everyone, people began to notice the lovely music.

Or, me, in particular.

A passenger complained to the pilot to throw the irritating blond off the plane.

I didn't think it was literal.

No, really. The pilot broke the windshield at the cockpit and tossed me right out.

It was such a shock. At least he had the decency to throw my cargo out with him, as a suitcase clocked me on the head and the space went from fruit-flavored wonderland to just plain darkness.

--X—

It turned out I fell into an actual world!

And not just any world, but Hollow Bastion!

And not just anywhere, but on the most dangerous space of existence in the whole wide universe!

"What's going on here?" Sephiroth asked. "What just fell on me?"

"Hehe…well, this is awkward!" I muttered.

"Clearly," Sephiroth replied aridly. He sent me flying thirty feet in the air! Without even taking out his sword!

My head was somehow lopped off in the process, and rolled of it's own accord to hit Sephiroth's ankle

"Hey, pal! I just got all the little Keyblade marks out!" I snapped, biting his foot.

"Now I've never had a head I cut off bite me back. What are you, and why have you survived my wrath?" Sephiroth asked.

"Don't get excited. I'm mostly paper and nothingness," I answered. My body eventually found me and reattached the head.

"I believe I recognize that irritating voice. You are part of the Order, aren't you?" Sephiroth asked.

"I'm surprised you haven't kill me yet," I answered, still checking to make sure my head wouldn't come off.

"I don't waste the glorious despair of Masamune on nothings," Sephiroth snapped.

I feigned anger as best as I could, picking up my sitar and setting it to 'TSUNAMI 2004' mode.

"You're going to PAY for that!" I snarled, hitting the 'perfect' chord and sending a tidal wave down.

He didn't even move!

"Were you trying to wash my hair?" he asked.

I sighed.

"I'm trying to have a vacation. I just want to relax and kill a few people without being indicted by a government. I never asked to land on you. I just want sleep," I sighed.

"IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?"

I slammed my sitar against the side of his head.

He went down so fast his head hit the ground with a sickening crack, which echoed throughout the Dark Depths.

Apparently the intense rage of this ACTUALLY incapacitated him!

UH OH.

Wait a sec.

I just totally stuck it to SEPHIROTH! I'm SO COOL!

But wait. I'm in real trouble here. The only one allowed to harm Sephiroth and expect to live to see his green eyes ever again was Cloud. It was copyright.

And I knocked him out. Luck. It was the first time ever where he considered something so useless it wasn't even worth destroying, and let his guard down.

Great. Now I'm going to have to take him along so Square Enix doesn't sue my butt.

This is going to be some vacation.

I tried to dress him up so no one would find out who I knocked out. So, to the complete distress of my cloak, Sephiroth now appeared more like an Organization member and less like the prized villain of Final Fantasy VII.

Did I mention the only things I wear underneath my cloak are my pajamas? I was lucky today, I could have just been in my panties or something-err…boxers! I meant boxers.

Anyways, we were a strange sight in the Borough. Some half-dead looking guy in pajamas with his head severed carrying a strangely familiar man in black that was twice his size through town. It was murder just walking, forget finding a hotel!

Trust me, Hollow Bastion ain't no Radiant Garden anymore. It's got to be the dumbest place to vacation. You have to wear hardhats, it's obligatory! Everything's in pieces, and if ONE MORE ROCK falls on my head, I'll explode again! Forget hotels, that place doesn't even have like a tool shed. Or running water. And they JUST got electricity.

And who wants to live in a place where there are explosions all the time? Apparently the defense grid protects the citizens, exploding every stray cat that moves and even singeing my hair! Why get a defense system installed when there's nothing left to protect? This place is sucks!

Finally, I collapsed. I just couldn't take the madness any longer.

A moogle floated over to me.

"What's wrong, kupo?" it asked.

I grabbed its furry little neck and squeezed.

"Shut up, you irritating little fuzz ball! I haven't slept in three days and I'm dreadfully out of character! If you want to breathe again you better tell me where a place to stay is!" I snapped.

"C-can't….breathe…kupo!" the moogle choked. I laughed maniacally, albeit weakly.

"Death to all irritating moogles! Ha-ha! Why don't I just rip your annoying little fuzz-ball pom-pom?" I snapped, cackling again.

Someone grabbed me by the back of my neck, lifting me like the empty husk I was.

"Hey." The stern cold voice stated "Don't harass the moogles. Are you all right, Monty?"

The moogle sighed as it was released, hugging the owner of the cold voice.

"I-I w-was so s-scared, kupo! W-waaah…" Monty cried.

The cold voice shook me roughly.

"Why are you going around harassing the moogles?" the cold voice asked "Answer me!"

I turned my severed head the full way around, creepily.

"Don't think you can boss me around just because you're some kind of goth freak. Release me!" Hmm, Sephiroth and lack of sleep must be getting to me.

The stern cold voice was about to object to this threat, when he realized I was out cold.

"Sigh…come on, Monty. Let's get him cleaned up…" the voice sighed wearily.

--X—

I wanted to get up out of the bed, really badly. To open my eyes and feel refreshed and not all pissed off again. I wanted to be Demyx again and back at the castle. Because this vacation was really, really killing me. I knocked out a Sephiroth, murdered a moogle, AND I ate the whole Heart Attack steak at that defective restaurant!

I was hurting inside out.

I could hear the stern cold voice talking with a lot others.

"That crazy almost killed Monty," the stern voice said.

"K-kupo!" Monty snapped.

"Well, either way, he was completely exhausted. Poor fellow. Seems like he went on a nine-hour road trip with non-stop 'I Know a Song That Gets On Everybody's Nerve's'," a kind, mellow voice said. "Best to just let him sleep."

"But what about the guy he had with him? Don't know who it is, the cloak makes it a complete mystery," a really high squeaky voice said.

"Are you people stupid? It's so obvious!" I thought to myself.

"I agree. No use dwelling on it until they wake up. Then we'll get out answers," said a quiet, calm voice.

Everyone agreed.

I sat up.

Instantly everyone zeroed in on me, and then a little part of me died inside.

It was…them.

I was in a house full of GOOD GUYS!

Oh, I'm so screwed. If they find out about the cloak…

Among these good guys was Cloud, who was going to sue my ass the moment Sephiroth woke up.

"Who…are you?" asked the man with the stern, cold voice.

"Uh…I'm the Chocobo Mailman?" I replied.

"No, I'm the mailman," Cloud said. "Who are you?"

"Guys, leave him alone!" a pretty woman in pink cried, grasping me firmly "He's all alone in this world and he's tired!"

I giggled.

"This feels nice!"

"Aerith! Get away! He might be a…a-a bad guy!" the small irritating girl snapped, dragging out an enormous shuriken.

"Uh…no. I'm a musician," I said "I kinda got thrown off a plane for irritating the passengers."

"Wow. So, who's the other guy you were carrying?" the pink lady asked.

"Uh…uh…" I tried.

As I tried answering, Cloud narrowed his eyes at Sephiroth, trying to see past the darkness of the hood.

"Hang on…" he began "I…I can feel the darkness. It's all flooding back!"

"What?" I asked. Oh crap! He found out!

Cloud thrust his Buster Sword at the cloaked Sephiroth. The sword clashed with the Masamune, creating a terrible energy.

"I knew it!" Cloud growled.

Sephiroth burned the cloak off and began the never-ending duel with Cloud.

"My CLOAK!" I squealed.

"YOUR cloak?" the stern man asked.

"Uh…I'll get back to you on that one…"

Sephiroth knocked Cloud against the wall and turned to me.

"You knocked me out, didn't you? Well, I suppose I'll have to make sure to destroy your world, won't I?" he asked.

He began stepping forward slowly, the pure essence of fear rising with each step.

Oh god…I am not going to die without a heart! No way!

I frantically searched for my sitar, and found it leaning against the door.

"My baby!" I screeched, seizing it.

I had to get out of there.

It was the only way to avoid being killed.

Sephiroth was incredibly fast. In fact, his sword had actually slashed me in the three seconds I had to generate a water clone.

I jumped out of the window and ran my ass off, Sephiroth directly above me, hovering on his wings.

He nose-dived, the tip of his six-feet long sword heading straight for me.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" I screamed.

"Oh god…oh god…" I whimpered "I want a cool way to die-wait, never mind. Being sliced to bits by an evil one-winged angel is a pretty cool way to die but I WANT TO LIVE!"

Quite suddenly, a white blur and a black blur smashed into Sephiroth's wings. Black feathers rained down from the heavens, and yet the wings didn't seem altered in the least.

Still, Sephiroth decided to land momentarily to assess the damage. After all, he hated losing feathers on his third-favorite wing.

"BINGO!" a familiar voice cried.

As soon as that was heard, two flaming blurs raced and smacked into Sephiroth's face. He didn't move then, either, but simply sneezed.

I wondered what the weapons were, until I realized, only two people were dumb enough to go out of their way to get themselves killed by Sephiroth.

"We've resolved our conflict," Roxas said.

"Yes. We've stopped arguing," Axel added.

"That's a relief. Maybe I'll finally get some sleep. Only one problem," I said, pointing. Sephiroth had decided his wings were all right then, and charged at a blinding speed toward our trio.

"Oh crap," Roxas said, eyes wide.

"How could either of you forget who you're fighting! To look at him is to see DEATH!" I snapped. Then I began weeping "Oh, it's all over. Over…over…we're dead…"

Axel sighed.

"No, we're not. We're here to pick you up from your vacation," Axel said.

"Really?" I asked.

"Yeah. Apparently you forgot your ability to open paths into the Dark Realm. Same old idiot," Roxas snapped.

I felt a tap on my back.

"Excuse me? Are you done? Because I'd like to rip off your heads and perhaps create some havoc afterwards," Sephiroth said, his sword digging into the nape of my neck. "Hmm, you don't bleed. I'd like to see how many cuts I can make before you do."

I grabbed Axel and Roxas, pulling them close, squealing "Go. GO!"

Axel opened a path similar to the Energy Pit underneath us, and in a flash, we were gone.

--X—

"What a relief! Back home at last!" I sighed. "That vacation was no vacation. I never even got to slay any Heartless."

"And this is possibly the only time we WEREN'T screwed over! Me like," Roxas sighed.

"That's because we didn't do anything stupid," Axel added. "And Roxas didn't plan anything."

"What do you mean about ME?" Roxas asked angrily.

"What? Sometimes you can be an idiot. That's all," Axel replied, and continued filing his nails.

"Look who's talking. You're so stupid they had to give you a monkey brain just to keep your IQ in the positives," Roxas snapped. "And clean this place up. You're such a slob."

"OH YEAH?" Axel yelled. Oh no…you've GOT to be kidding me!

"YEAH!" Roxas snapped.

"OH YEAH?"

"YEAH!"

"UNDERFED VULTURE!"

"SONIC THE HEDGEHOG REJECT!"

Ugh…oh god no. The screaming matches AGAIN! This is going to happen for another three days, I can just tell. And I haven't slept in three already! This is so unfair! Someone just kill me now…

There was a knock on the door.

I groaned, shutting all the noise out. I still wanted someone to kill me and make the hurt in my head stop…

The knocking got worse and worse until the whole door broke, slamming onto the ground with a THWACK, revealing…

"SEPHIROTH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" we screamed.

"I think I'll be doing everyone a favor by killing you idiots," was all he replied with.

Somehow, I think things couldn't have been worse. Today I was screwed out of sleep, a nice vacation, food, and all types of normalcy…

"Just give me the sword," I snapped, grabbing Masamune.

I plunged it into my neck.

"There. Dead. Now kill the other two already and let me sleep!" I snapped.

Sephiroth was quiet for a moment before he swooped down like a hawk and FINALLY shut the other two up, their heads rolling around on the carpet.

---X-the end-X---


	6. The Golden Equation

Cali: Sigh…the stupid document manager was busted for ages! I finished this chapter last Wednesday but was unable to upload. Sorry for the long wait!

Anyways, great thanks to all reviews, 'specially Abe no Seimei who will always have a place in my heart.

Yeah, yeah. Don't enjoy this chapter too much, or else Roxas will get mad at you! I mean, the song is just so corny…

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Axel, Roxas, Demyx, Organization XIII, or even that bowl of pudding sitting on Xaldin's desk. I also don't own the song 'First Love' by Utada Hikaru.

However, I DO know where Axel is…

_-VIII- Axel Missing!- _

The trinity of Axel, Roxas, and I was one without fail. We were possibly the only three people in the universe who could do more damage together with a rock and a stick than the trio of Mickey, Donald and Goofy could do in a fireworks factory.

It was a system. No, really. The trio cannot work without all the members.

If Roxas was missing in the equation, Axel and I would shoot each other instantly. No questions asked.

If I was missing in the equation, Roxas wouldn't have anyone to direct most of his violence on and therefore be subjected to a painful chain leash, leaving them both miserable.

And if Axel was missing from the equation…well, Mickey, Donald, and Goofy in a fireworks factory is starting to look pretty good.

So you see, Axel missing from the equation is the worst one of them all. It has untested horrors within, horrors the world would really want to do without.

As for the Organization members…

We Organization members are talented, good-looking people. We're responsible, we're orderly, and for the most part, we're intelligent.

But one thing we aren't is…erm…

Let me just show you what I mean.

There are many colorful things about living in the Order's household.

Like…dinner time.

It starts out plenty quiet, but then:

"Pass the oranges,"

"Why should I? They're right there in front of you,"

"I'm trying to not reach across the table. It's called being polite,"

"I know what polite is! You call that polite? Sounded more like an order to me."

"No, it was a polite request,"

"'PASS THE ORANGES'. Yeah, that's plenty polite!"

"Look, just give me the damn oranges!"

"No."

And then they'd fight. And that's just one thing. Stealing other people's foods and blaming someone else, throwing cream, it's all too easy to start an all-out brawl at the dinner table.

There's also Creative Day.

It's basically where all members are forced to take up glue, construction paper, and other art supplies and attempt to be creative.

Basically all I do is throw paint. Which…incidentally, causes another all-out brawl!

In fact, everything we do manages to lead to a fight. Barbeques, sing-a-longs, CAMPING! Everything! It's the most fun I've ever had in either of my lives!

But there is one horror that does not make me laugh in any way.

One inescapable, terrible, so-scary horror that just THINKING about it makes me want to SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

I think you know what I'm talking about.

--X—

"Welcome to this week's meeting," Xemnas said into the podium's microphone.

We were all in the Assembly Hall for this week's meeting. I liked the assembly hall. I got to sit in this super-high chair with everyone else and feel like the king of World That Never Was-which I was, of course.

We all gave the standard "Hear, hear!" and the meeting was on.

"All right, I'll be brief as I have to tend to an important delivery arriving in a few minutes," Xemnas said, fixing his half-moon glasses "This week is Italian Food Week, so you better not lose any forks. Also, the team will be on Heartless Duty in Atlantica this week, it's too hard to adapt to the environment there so we need to get rid of the Heartless there fast. It's too hard to manipulate that world."

"Saix and I volunteer," Vexen said, glancing at Saix to see if he found this satisfactory, which he did.

"All right then, thank you Vexen and Saix. Make sure you take out the Aqua Tanks first. They're terribly irritating," Xemnas advised, then continued with his speech.

I snored softly in my seat. These meetings were dreadful!

"Now, it has come to my attention that the Castle is starting to fill up with dusty, useless knick-knacks," Xemnas began, but then Axel cut in.

"Useless? The little hula girls are cool!" Axel snapped, outraged.

"I don't care. Those things need to go. We're running out of real estate here! And besides that, when was the last time this Castle was white? Our enemies would be appalled!" Xemnas snapped "So in light of these recent assessments…"

Uh oh. I know where this is going.

"I'm scheduling a cleaning day!" Xemnas said.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

You see, what I was trying to say back there was…

We're not exactly clean people. This castle is supposed to be a shiny sort of white, but lately it's turned black with all the filthy Heartless we've been bringing in, and. perhaps our own messiness.

Okay, understatement.

We're downright slobs! We haven't cleaned a day in our lives, and the Dusks are fed up. They left recently and won't answer our summons. And let's face it, we're idiots when it comes to cleaning. We hate anything to do with it.

So when the Superior told us of the cleaning day…

I really tried running. I really, really did.

In fact, I was out of my seat so fast my spikes gave my forehead little cuts.

Too bad Lexaeus was at the door, preventing escape-er…, I mean exit.

"Nice try, Demyx. You're not chore-dodging this time," he snapped.

"Who's chore dodging? I just want to go to the little men's room, lock myself in there, jump out the window and drop off the map for a few centuries! No chore-dodging there…hehe?" I laughed nervously.

"Get back in your seat or it's Frisbee time," Lexaeus snapped. He swung me like a pinwheel and I landed with a crash into my seat. "And that goes for any one else stupid enough!" Lexaeus shook his fist.

I started crying.

"No-ho-oooh…" I wept. "My world is over! OVER, you hear me?"

"Stop being such a drama queen, Demyx. Your room is terrible," Xemnas replied calmly, looking at me sternly through his glasses.

"WHAT? It is not!" I argued.

"Yes it is. People have been storing their belongings in your room for lack of their own rent space for a very long time, and because you're such a terrible chore-dodger, you haven't noticed," Xemnas said.

"You're joking, right? I asked.

"No…Demyx, he's right," Axel said from beside me "I've been shoving half my mess into your closet for weeks now."

"And my old magazines are in there," Luxord said.

"My bedframe has been in there since inauguration," Roxas added.

"My cakes are boxed under your bed," Zexion said.

"You mean you've ALL been doing this? For how long?" I asked, shocked.

"Months now, Demyx," Xemnas said.

Before I curled up in a fetal position and cried, an enormous eighteen-wheeler crashed into the Assembly Hall, scattering enormous hunks of drywall everywhere, one piece even knocking into Roxas's head.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! END OF THE WORLD! AGAIN!" I screeched. "One time just isn't enough for you bastards, is it?"

Xemnas sighed yet again. He turned to the truck.

"Back it in nice and slow. You already destroyed the wall, and I've been meaning to repaint anyways," the Superior said.

The eighteen-wheeler flipped around somehow, opening its backdoors on its own. Hmm…must have been a Nobody truck or something.

"Demyx, you can stop cowering now. He just brought in the lemon cleaner," Axel said, trying to drag me out by the hood.

"Are you joking? I better START cowering! Lemon cleaner and I are sworn enemies!" I hissed.

Axel tried to banish the tick of irritation pulsing in his brow away.

"Listen, you're going to clean whether you like it or not!" Axel roared "IT'S NOT A FREAKIN' CHOICE, CAPICHE? SO SAY HELLO TO THE LATEX GLOVES AND SCOURERS!"

"Shouldn't I bet telling you, that? You're the one with the Devastated Wake," I replied, giggling.

"Yeah, but I don't scream when someone says 'clean'," Axel sighed.

"AH! Don't SCARE me like that!" I panted.

"Roxas, help me force stupid to clean. It's like talking to a cardboard box," Axel grumbled.

Roxas leapt from his seat to mine.

"What's the problem? Can I finally chop up stupid for it?" Roxas asked, brandishing his duet Keyblade excitedly.

"Uh…remember that talk about the leash we had last week?" Axel asked. Roxas' eyes widened.

"D-don't say it! The Keyblades are gone!" Roxas stammered, throwing them across the room, which were somehow even then dangerous enough to decapitate three Nobodies.

"Thank you. Now, let's beat up stupid until he's willing to clean," Axel replied, gesturing a hand to me.

Roxas grinned.

"Who wants some brass knuckles!" he asked, his fist covered in these scary, spike-studded…I really can't say any more. All I can say is that Roxas is dangerously violent to carry around something like that.

I threw up all over the chair in front of me.

Axel glared.

"Sigh…I'll get the lemon cleaner…" I grumbled.

--X—

The first thing we slobs were subjected to was clearing out all the stuff. Every nook and cranny of the Castle had to be cleared out in order for every nook and cranny to be dusted, wiped, and un-Demyx-ed.

The first room we did was mine, I have the least crap in there and whatnot. Well, AFTER people managed to get a bull-dozer in to remove that other stuff.

We all worked together to get my bed off the ceiling, my TV from its place bolted against the wall, my fish-tank off, and my dresser pushed out the window.

"All right, the room's clear. Open the closet, Demyx," Roxas said.

"Uh…there's nothing in there. You evacuated my clothes from the tree , didn't you?" I asked.

"Look, I don't want to hurt you. Oh, what am I kidding, of course I do! Just go ahead and stay against the closet so I can rip your limbs off!" Roxas cackled.

Wow that was creepy.

I reluctantly opened it.

"Ugh…did something die in there, stupid?" Roxas asked, clutching his nose to block out the unholy smell.

"Erm…yeah, actually," I replied, smiling uneasily.

I opened it fully and reveal corpses! Fresh corpses! MUHAHAHAHAHAAA!

"Why'd you hide them in there?" Roxas asked "I usually throw the people I kill out the window."

"These are mostly funny people I kind of…well, killed. I was hoping they'd turn into my new Nobody best friends, but they kinda died before their bodies could be taken by the darkness. Bloody, bloody deaths…So I shoved them in here! Tee-hee!"

"That's just insane. Throw them out already!" Roxas snapped, still clutching his nose.

"Well, FINE!"

I tossed the corpses into the airport-uh…Dusk Pit! The airport thing is kind of a secret. Don't tell or else you'll end up in my closet too.

"Alright, let's fix your room," I said.

Roxas nodded.

Roxas was still the new guy a little, so his room wasn't too destroyed. He didn't seem to like his closet much either; his clothes were all in one gigantic mountain in his room. Typical.

Among the scattered clothes were stacks, and stacks, and more stacks of video games. He was pretty much addicted to them on his off-time. He also had old food in his room. He's lucky. The Superior isn't on his butt about food; if I even bring like a cracker in I'm already sushi. Not too much food mind you; just an ancient sandwich and several cans of Red Bull, which really explains a lot.

So finally, we began moving the television, the drawers, the bed, and the mattress that was lying beside it for some reason, and the enormous stereo.

"Open the closet, Roxas," I said.

"Okay," he replied, shrugging.

It was empty. Well, except for the big shiny red button with the 'Do Not Touch' sign.

Big red buttons and I have a colorful history.

There was a big red button at my high school in my past life. I pressed it and the school was instantly turned into its own little island in the middle of the lake on lock-down.

There was a big red button at a hospital I raided. I pushed it and booby traps came out, like Bengal tigers, poison arrows, and even a couple of walls of inescapable fire. Don't ask me why a hospital is trying to scare tomb raiders.

I pushed a big red button at a train station, and the train flew off into the far reaches of space. It was faster than an actual ship! I got home in time for dinner.

And when I pushed Roxas's big red button, weapons came out.

Weapons. Weapons of every kind. Big weapons, small weapons. Guns, swords, particularly sharp pencils, bazookas, Uzi's, rocket launchers, flamethrowers, fire-hoses, daggers, kitchen knives, brass knuckles, chains, and even a giant spoon for a battering ram.

He had them all!

"Whoa…Roxas, what's going on here?" I asked, honestly scared.

"Just don't look and you won't throw up like last time. What was that anyways?" Roxas asked.

"A memory of my greatest fear when I was alive resurfaced when you showed me that brass knuckle, causing that bad hot dog I ate for breakfast to come up sour," I said.

"What was your worst fear, then?" Roxas asked "It's impossible for me to use it against you when you're a Nobody."

"My greatest fear was a gangster using brass knuckles while he punched me half to death," I stated monotonously. "I kind of ate his falafel while he was in the washroom."

"Wow…you were an idiot even in your past life!" Roxas thought.

"Okay, soon as all these weapons are out the window we can go fix…ugh…Axel's room," I sighed.

"Why are you grumbling? You've never had to sleep in there," Roxas snapped dryly.

"You have? When?" I asked.

"I'm kind of scared of the dark…" Roxas mumbled.

"That doesn't make much sense. You fight Heartless. How can you be scared of the dark? Wait, how can you be scared, period?" I asked

"Just shut up already. Let's get cleaning," Roxas snapped.

"Where is Axel anyways? He should have pitched a sarcastic comment ages ago."

"You know, you're right. He must have gone to clean his room. Kingdom knows it'll take all day," Roxas said.

"Let's go find him," I decided.

We went into Axel's room, which was literally a sea of clothing, magazines, and other things. It was thigh-deep on me!

The mess was everywhere. The doors were flooding out the mess, the bathroom was sealed off with the mess, and even Axel's pristine hairdryer was messy.

The mess even reached the hall.

"AXEL! AXEL!" Roxas called "GET YER BUTT OUT HERE!"

No answer. Not even a muffled one.

Luxord walked by.

"You know what, mates? Axel's gone. Dropped off the map 'bout an hour ago and people haven't seen him since," he said.

"WHAT?" Roxas screeched, grabbing Luxord close and shaking him frantically "You're JOKING, right? This all some kind of JOKE, right?" He laughed crazily, looking like his he was going to rocket to the moon.

"I'm a Nobody. It's impossible for me to joke or for you to respond. Now let me go," Luxord snapped, and finished dumping his old records into Axel's mess, leaving Roxas and I to our own devices.

"This is some kind of crazy, sick, TWISTED JOKE! Axel is not gone! He can't be gone! I-It goes against nature!" Roxas stammered a little hysterically, little locks of his hair falling out in shock. He fidgeted and whimpered to himself until suddenly…

"Hang on, Mama! Pappy's COMING!" Roxas cried, diving into the sea of destruction.

"Roxas, are you crazy? You're short enough, we'll lose you in there! ROXAS!"

But he was gone.

Oh great. We're never going to see him again. Time to have a nice little scene break. Stretch out your legs. Let the author sleep and finish this tomorrow.

--X—

Roxas was currently wailing in a corner, while I tried to assuage him.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! I WANT AXEL BACK!" he wailed.

"It's okay, Roxas. Axel is an Organization member, and if he doesn't burn someone to death in every three minutes, he'll already have chopped them to bits," I comforted.

"I-I know," Roxas hiccupped "He was always so violent. I al-already miss him!"

He looked due for another wailing session.

I sighed. The only thing more annoying than a hyper me is a sad Roxas.

"Roxas, would Axel want you crying like this? NO! He strived to keep you male! Now stop wailing; you're acting like a baby!" I snapped. Out of character, I know, but I hate wailing.

Roxas slowly, reluctantly sobered.

And then at the blink of an eye, his face lost all emotion.

It's hard to show emotion, but it's hard to keep them off, too, so I'd have to give him the medal for 'Best Blah Expression.'

"You're right. Axel wouldn't want me acting like a baby. It's shameful. Emotions are shameful anyways," Roxas said, his voice completely flat "The only reason I kept them was because of Axel. He made them feel…real. But he's gone, so out they go!"

He tried tossing them out the window, but thought was concept and therefore impossible to throw out an open window.

"Dang," he stated "Ah well. Time to clean."

He began mechanically picking things up.

I was worried about him. No, not just about the fact that he tried to throw his thoughts out a window.

But if you heard all that, you'll know that some of those ideas he has are a little…well, worrying. Even for a Nobody, considering emotions useless isn't normal. I mean, we're trying so hard to get 'em back and he doesn't even care anymore…

I know! I'll just have to make sure he smiles instead! Cheer him up!

I just hope I don't get my head lopped off again. I just got all the little Masamune bruises out.

I dragged him out the window and we jumped into Dark City.

What? There isn't exactly a front door, and besides, we're chore-dodging.

All right, it's time for…

SONGFIC PORTION THINGY! Look, just work with me. Roxas is depressed here.

I killed my wallet taking him to the most fun party in the world: Memory's Skyscraper with the Assassins.

But maybe it wasn't such a good idea to place him in a room full of AXEL'S Nobodies. They may be extremely entertaining, giving even my Dancers a run for their munny, but Roxas wouldn't move.

He had this defeated look on his face, even as all the Assassins laughed and joked around him.

"All right Roxas, I'm going to the juke and picking the song for the songfic. Just sit there and look sad," I said.

I flicked through the juke box.

"Oh crap, there are only girly songs in here!" I grumbled "AND YOU CALL YOURSELVES ASSASINS!"

They all shrugged.

"All right, Roxas, how do you feel about 'First Love'?" I asked.

He didn't respond. His sleeve caught fire when an Assassin tipped over a scented candle. He didn't respond to that either.

Whatever. Roll the clips!

_Once in a while  
You are in my mind  
I think about the days that we had  
_

We walked past a car garage.

"Get your car axels greased half-price! Today only!" the vendor yelled.

Roxas' eye developed a dangerous tic.

_And I dream that these would all come back to me  
If only you knew every moment in time  
Nothing goes on in my heart  
_

We went to an amusement park, on the most dangerous roller-coaster: The Heart Attacker!

My legs flew in the air like little pieces of ticker tape as the roller coaster whooshed past, every part of my body screaming with adrenaline, but still, Roxas' face did not change in the slightest.

"Isn't this so much better than Axel?" I asked.

Roxas silently punched me. Hard.

_Just like your memories  
How I want here to be with you  
Once more  
_

We sat on the pavement of Fragment Crossing, staring at the moon.

"Isn't it pretty-oh, oh! A cloud! It looks like a CLOUD! And that one looks like a cloud too! This is so cool!" I attempted.

"That one looks like an Axel," Roxas stated, pointing. I sighed.

_You will always gonna be the one  
And you should know  
How I wish I could have never let you go  
_

"Mmm…the food here is great!" I supposed, chewing a burger.

"It's a McDonald's, Demyx. We'll be lucky if we leave without food poisoning," Roxas supposed, picking at his fries.

"Still…" I murmured "The Coke's pretty good."

"Coke…that was Axel's favorite!" Roxas replied, punching me again for bringing up anything that vaguely reminded him of Axel.

_Come into my life again  
Oh, don't say no  
You will always gonna be the one in my life  
_

We flew kites across a cement field. No grass in the World that Never was, you know?

"Happy yet?"

"I made an Axel kite," Roxas answered, a funny wax-paper little cutesy version of Axel winking floating around in the breeze.

_So true, I believe I can never find  
Somebody like you  
my first love  
_

We got caught in the torrential rain that happened every so often in Dark City. I twirled and danced in it, after all, it IS water, but Roxas only looked like he would murder someone.

"Oh, come on! Look alive!" I squealed, doing the tango with Roxas.

"Only when you die and Axel is resurrected from your slashed body," Roxas deadpanned, instantly punching me again.

"That monotonous thing you're doing is really creepy," I observed.

_Once in awhile  
Your are in my dreams  
I can feel your warm embrace_

We tried playing video games at the arcade.

It seemed like Roxas was cheering up. He got high-scores in everything and I was hoping that maybe it would take his mind off…you know who.

But when I saw the listing, Axel's name was EVERYWHERE!

I face-palmed.

_And I pray that it will all come back to me  
If only you knew every moment in time  
Nothing goes on in my heart  
_

We tried having a picnic on the beach, with REAL food this time.

Roxas made a sand-castle which he named 'Fort Axel', still showing absolutely no emotion, ignoring the food.

Sometimes I'm really scared for him.

_Just like your memories  
And how I want here to be with you  
Once more  
_

We tried bungee-jumping. Same vacant expression…sadly. You know, I'm not sure if that's healthy. NOT scream-laughing while bungee jumping is wrong, wrong, WRONG!

_You will always be inside my heart  
And you should know  
How I wish I could have never let you go  
Come into my life again  
Please don't say no  
Now and forever you are still the one  
In my heart  
So true, I believe I could never find  
Somebody like you  
My first love  
_

"So how do you like the song, Roxas?" I asked.

"It reminds me of my time with Axel," Roxas sighed, the first sign of emotion he showed all day.

I was completely out of options and munny. There was nothing I could do.

I was next-level frustrated. He was dead inside and he wasn't going to do anything about it except sigh! Ah well, better than the wailing.

"Whatever. I'm up to HERE with you!" I snapped, gesturing a hand up to my eyebrows "I'm going to destroy Axel's room at Proof of Existence now."

The reaction that happened next was more than a shock.

Roxas jumped on me.

"NEVER! You do that and you will never see light, dark, or nothing ever again!" he roared.

He stormed into the Castle with a look of absolute death on his face.

"Roxas, we haven't seen you at all today. The Superior is looking for-MMFH!" Xaldin choked, one of his butter tarts shoved down his throat.

Roxas saw Xigbar vacuuming his room, and without warning, ripped the vacuum out of his hands and the cord out of its socket, looking like he was going to kill.

He saw Luxord with about eight bottles of lemon cleaner which he stole as well.

The Superior was holding a box of cleaning supplies for Roxas, mostly.

"Here you go. You're very brave today. Even I couldn't clean that room," Xemnas said.

"It goes beyond bravery today," Roxas answered, clicking the top onto the vacuum hose like it was a gun.

"Really, what is it, then?" The Superior asked.

"Revenge," Roxas snapped.

The rest of the Organization watched in pure amazement as Roxas sucked up the mess with his vacuum cleaner at an astonishing rate.

Slowly, the sea turned into a lake, then a river, then a creek, and then finally…it was all gone!

I had no idea Axel's room was even red. In fact, you could actually see the furniture, the television, the bathroom door, everything! And it was all spotless!

The Order clapped, while Xigbar cried "My vacuum! It's got three hundred pounds of Axel in it now! NOOOO!"

Roxas stared in amazement as the closet actually opened now that there wasn't an enormous mess in it.

And out dropped Axel, coughing terribly.

"AXEL!" I yelled. "You're…alive!"

"Well, duh. I was just trying to get all the corpses out of my closet. It's a whole other world in there, filled with stone pyramids and little statues of cats and-"

"I don't want to know," I deadpanned.

Axel coughed some more.

"Hey Roxas. How's it going?" Axel asked, brushing the dust out of his cloak.

I was about to just let the day's events flood out, but Roxas stuffed a sock in my mouth.

He walked up slowly to Axel, smiling.

"Hi, Axel. You put me through hell today. Now I'm going to put you IN hell!" Roxas said, still smiling sweetly.

"What?" Axel asked.

Roxas just picked Axel up, and tossed him out the window like he really was paper and nothingness.

"Roxas, you do know we're going to have to find him again. You threw him into the Dusk Pit. He could be on another world right now, and it could be any world. It could take days, or even weeks to find him again," I said.

"I know that," Roxas said, still smiling sweetly.

"And you do know that we kind of just screwed ourselves over? If we had just done our work in the first place we would have found Axel instead of that not-fun chore-dodging adventure and- the Superior is standing right behind me this second, isn't he?"

"You better believe it," Roxas replied, still smiling that creepy smile.

"You're psychotic," I added.

He grabbed my head and dragged me away.

"Shut up and start running," Roxas snapped.

We ran our butts off, with the Superior chasing us with a maximum punishment ticket.

---X-the end-X---


	7. Saix Equals Merchandise

Cali IX: Gone for ages. I know. But just be glad I'm still alive.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts, Demyx, Roxas, Axel, their trinity, Organization XIII, or anything. They belong to Disney and Square Enix. Really.

_-VII- Want Fast Merchandise? Use Saix!-_

It was an ordinary day. We were in Roxas's room as usual. It was, like I said, an ordinary day.

At least, it would have been, but wasn't because I started the day by hanging out a window from the thirteenth floor! With NO circus net!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Roxas, we have to get him out of there!" Axel panicked. Roxas grumbled angrily, but agreed.

They made a monkey chain with Axel at the bottom, hanging by his toes with Roxas' Keyblades, who was also miraculously hanging onto the windowsill with his toes.

But even that extremely long monkey chain wasn't enough. Axel had to connect his chakrams together so I could FINALLY reach, and with a strength papier-mâché shouldn't have, we all hoisted ourselves back in.

We all just paused for a moment to calm down.

"Whew! I was almost a goner!" I gasped, wiping sweat off my brow.

"Tell me again why we saved him even though he wouldn't have died from the fall?" Roxas asked.

"Because his body would've been broken and it'd be us who'd have to sign to applications for the applications to apply for the actual applications to get him a new body. That of which would also require a requisition for the documents that record the documents for the manufacturing documents that say they can write more documents for getting the new body. Catch my drift?" Axel asked.

"Definitely," Roxas replied.

"Getting a new body is such a hassle I'd hate to think of the evil person who would actually destroy someone's body," Axel added. "By the way, what DID happen?"

"Pssh! Like you have to ask!" I snapped, pointing to the wall.

There were enormous claymore blades sticking out of it.

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…" oh-ed the other two Nobodies.

"What'd you do to make him mad that time?" Roxas asked.

"Nothing," I answered "Does he need a reason to kick my can every once in a while? I was just doing the 'I'm a Little Teapot' song and then WHAMO! Out the window."

"You're such a liar," Axel cut in "Saix was just paying you back for the whole week you tormented him."

"Oh, I break into his room and paint it yellow and suddenly it's payback time?" I asked.

"One hundred percent," Roxas snapped.

I grew irritated at this.

"Well, I'm sick of him always kicking my butt, I'm gonna-" another claymore blade shot right at me. And then three more. I yanked them out.

"SEE? I'm tired of-" another claymore implanted itself into my chest "getting my butt whooped every three seconds! It's time for…"

"Oh, don't even say it," Roxas sighed.

"REVENGE!"

"And just how are you going to do that? In case you haven't noticed, he has moments where he's ACTUALLY skilled at fighting. A lot," Axel replied.

"Well, it just involves us turning Saix into a profit," I said, smirking my best Demyx smirk.

"Profit?" they both asked.

"We obviously have no hope of winning a fight, so let's just turn him into something worth while. People will pay a lot of money whatever we manage to hatch. I mean, the disgustingly ugly face, the creepy scar, the monotonous voice and that HORRIBLE oral cavity isn't much to envy, but he's the most powerful person in the world," I said.

"What are you talking about? Xemnas is the most powerful. He's got all our powers and stuff," Axel said.

"Yeah but sometimes there are those moments where even the Superior is scared of Saix. I mean, seriously. He's got a house-sized mix between a sword that'll butcher you worse than Marluxia, to a hammer that'll pretty much mash you flat. And his face is a patented weapon of mass destruction. You'd be stupid not to be scared of that," I replied.

"Wow. He's right," Roxas said, as Saix suddenly walked by on his way to the kitchens, and glared at Roxas, who was forced to actually NOT try to stare him down.

"See? We can have a whole program. The Saix Show featuring Saix, the Saix School of Impersonation, the Saix Impersonation Workshop, the Saix gift shop, the Saix Online Dating Service. Don't you see, people? Organization members are MERCHANDISE not PEOPLE. Heck, I've started my own line of cologne,"

I said, motioning to a stall outside his room labeled "Ocean Blue by Demyx IX", Dusks haggling with Dancers over the prices.

"Okay. That's weird," Axel suddenly said.

"That's nothing. Larxene has a clothing line, Xigbar runs a watercraft rental service…" I said. There were shops all over the hall, with one labeled 'Luxord Gift Shop. Because I'm the Best', complete with Luxord floats, Luxord giant stuffed animals, Luxord globes, and Luxord life-size cut-outs.

"Everyone really does think he's the best. He has the most sales," I said.

"Since when does the Superior have a Staples branch like right there?" Axel gasped.

An enormous Staples office supply branch was somehow right there.

"Everyone has shops that completely alter reality. Am I the only one missing this?" Axel asked completely at-odds.

"Eh," Roxas said, pointing to his extreme sport shop, with 'Roxas Jumped Off a Cliff. Why Don't You?'.

Axel apparently gave up and opened yet another Starbucks in front of his room.

"Right, now that's settled, let's go Saix hunting," I said.

We grabbed our spears, smeared tribal paints on our faces, and left to go Saix hunting. Until we realized that a spear is a retarded weapon, we don't have a tribe, and Saix was right there.

-X-

"So what's the plan?" Roxas asked "We can't just knock him out. He doesn't sleep. I'm not even sure if he blinks. We're gonna have to be even more lethal than usual."

"You're right. And that's why we go for the extreme approach," I said "We're going to force his real self out completely, so he becomes an empty, lifeless shell who will do whatever we want."

They were quiet for a moment.

"Now, see this is why they call you 'Stupid'. It's not just because you had a hard time learning how to spell your own name, but because you delight in antics that'll TOTALLY GET US KILLED!!!" Axel barked, a vein popping out of his temple.

Roxas and I clapped.

"Flawless imitation," Roxas said "I've only ever seen a better angry in Saix himself."

"Why, thank you. I've been working on it for a while," Axel said.

"It really was good. Now, like I was saying, we gotta force Saix's real self out by means less than savory," I said.

"How so?" Roxas asked.

"Vexen. He can even abduct Saix for us and everything," I said.

"That's great!" Axel cheered, and then he considerably darkened. "What does he want us to do?"

"Now see that's for him to decide," I said quickly.

"You're even better at pawning us off than Luxord," Roxas grumbled.

"Let's just go into the lab," I answered.

The lab was a place I was not friendly with. To put it plain, I hated the darn place, and you can't blame me. I was an asparagus for about nine hours. It was the most humiliating experience of my whole life. I was trodden, beaten, battered and even worse, I was overcooked.

Luckily, I learned about how to leave my body, and how to inhabit other stuff. Trés importante. However, it was completely impossible without Vexen's nodular machine, which basically had the real me pitted like a honey date.

Now, as for Vexen, he was doing something completely normal.

Dancing like an idiot to cheesy music. Now, that might be very strange if someone's watching, but if you're alone, it's strange to even be fully clothed.

Of course when someone's watching, you look like a genetically-modified rutabaga-tomato hybrid. Sick and wrong.

And Vexen did suddenly look like the rutabaga-tomato thing in the glass case above him.

"Hey Vexen," Axel said casually.

Casually.

As in, they're already thinking about ways to kill one another.

Vexen and Axel aren't exactly…how shall I say this? Friends. They're not friends.

At all.

Their conversations mostly involve death threats like 'Sleep with one eye open! You'll want to stay awake to see me stab you.', or 'Do you think I'd get in trouble for throwing you off the roof to your imminent doom?'. If they sat beside each other, they'd be slapping each other's hands in that sissy, girly way, and at the dinner table they have their own personal battle involving lethal weapons like the salad fork, the carving knife and the turkey baster.

They're the worst fighters in the castle, and the first members who required restraining orders.

That's why TECHNICALLY, Xemnas' restraining order between the two of them should have prohibited Axel from coming anywhere near the lab, but his presence was instrumental to my plan.

"Hello, Axel," Vexen said equally casually.

"Vexen, I need a favor. Really important," I began.

"What is it?" Vexen asked.

"I need you to get Saix in here, and pit him so we can gain enormous profit from his body," I said. "You get seven percent of whatever we manage to keep if and when Xemnas catches on, and you'll also get free gift basket of all our amazing Saix products, in an attractive carrying case to boot!"

"Okay. I agree. But, you've also got to give the pyro over there a free punch for me," Vexen said " See to it that you break a few molars."

"What, the carrying case wasn't enough for you?" Axel asked "What if we paint it blue?"

"No," Vexen replied.

Roxas let me use one of his brass knuckles, and I rolled up my sleeve.

"Why the hell are you giving him brass knuckles?!!" Axel asked incredulously.

"Hey, if there's gonna be a punch it had better be a good one," Roxas said, and stood well back. "That's my lucky knuckleduster. Guaranteed to break teeth!"

"Alright, Axel, clench them pearly whites. Just think. While you're in excruciating pain, Saix will be making us thousands of munny," I said, rolling up my sleeve and giving him a nice big punch square on the cheek.

He crashed onto the floor in a heap and Vexen looked almost sadistically gleeful, even clapping like one of those monkey toys with the cymbals.

"Okay, I'll send him in," Vexen said.

He pulled a lever and sudden Saix dropped into a vacuum-sealed seven foot tube that glowed eerily.

"Suddenly the world is full of holes we all just whoosh away in," I observed.

"What on earth am I doing here?" Saix asked, and started viciously banging on the tube.

"Uh oh, can't let any of that energy come out," Vexen simply said, and pushed the button.

Saix suddenly quieted down into a comatose state.

"Wasn't that the stuff that's in the energy pit?" Roxas asked.

"That 'stuff' is essentially what we're made of. At least, our bodies. In the body fabrication process they use it to stabilize the neo-fibers. That's why it takes so long for a body to become safe to use," Vexen said.

"Why do you use such big words?" I asked "You know we're not smart enough to understand. We just know about how to make munny. So less talk and more machine-thingy."

"Ah yes," Vexen said "Just a minute."

He pushed up this weird lever thing, cranked a few cranks, typed a little type, and pushed a big glowing button, the one I've always wanted to push but never had the chance.

And suddenly a big sharp thing sliced Saix in half, with a vacuum instantly sucking up the black peppery thing inside. The body randomly stitched itself up again, and the now empty Saix opened his eyes.

And for once, didn't glare at everything like his only goal in life was to be a menace.

He must have been an ESL teacher in his past life or something.

But anyways, Vexen grabbed Saix out of the now-open tube.

"There you are. One ready-use Saix. Now watch out for orders you give. He takes everything very literally," Vexen said.

"Alright. Where did that black thing go?" Roxas asked.

"His real self? It's inside a test tube. I've always wanted to study-"

"Okay, yeah, whatever. So long as it doesn't get out," Roxas said.

"What's the big deal about him leaving?" I asked Roxas.

"Let's just say he could get into a LOT of trouble,' Roxas answered.

"Amen to that. Am I the only one who heard that thing muttering to itself about how to destroy everything?" I asked.

Everyone in the room shook their heads.

"Now, if you please Vexen, we have some space hunting to do," I said, and we vacated the lab. We had to drag Axel out by the shoulders, he was out cold.

-X-

Finding space in a city-cough-world as big as the World That Never Was isn't easy. After all, if it never existed in the first place, how do you expect to find space to exist in?

Exactly.

So shops with as much as a warehouse full of goods must somehow alter reality so that they can fit into their extremely small places.

Of course, those extremely small spaces are Castle-organized grid shopping districts, and therefore are own by the government meaning you have taxes to worry about.

You could always privatize some land by filling out a few hundred documents and literally add to the World's existence, but that's too much of a hassle to create and keep up, as the spaces have to be verified every month, whereas the grid spaces have the Castle people do it for you.

But the good news is, there's also a sort of gray area between these two.

Smart businesses have branched off existing buildings, like hotels, bookstores, apartment buildings, and their own homes to create new shops. They don't have to create a new addition to the building and the reality space is more manageable than the grid shops that have all these laws and stuff.

The best part is that some buildings have already emptied out some spaces for people who want to open a few businesses, and there's a market. There's also a market for those sorts of spaces that have already been used, and are cheaper to rent.

So the trinity decided to try those cheaper, more convenient spaces.

The first place we tried was an apartment off Fragment Crossing.

The place was damn weird, let me tell you. It was painted highlighter orange and pink and made me wonder why the Nobody boxes and crates would want to be there at all.

"Wow. I didn't think emotionless people could be so crazy. This interior design is terrible. Someone have the décor artist arrested," I said.

"The owner said the paint was half-off. Real cheap. It's two hundred munny a month, so that's not so bad. We'll just be giving up sea-salt ice cream once a month to pay the rent," Axel reasoned.

"Whatever. Let's just take this place," Roxas said.

We broke out the painting supplies and started working, only to find that the terrible neon orange and pink was impossible to take out.

"Oi, boxes," I called "Why won't the paint come out?"

"Because they've been painted with Nobody paints. We have a chat with the walls every once in a while so that we don't get bored holding other peoples' stuff," the boxes replied.

"They're right you know," the walls randomly added "But thanks for the little snack. I've been gobbling so much paint I'm full to bursting."

"This is so weird. I know I should be used to talking everything but…MAN! This really doesn't click with my old memories," Axel said.

"You mean the ones that have huge holes 'cause you've been smoking something in your past life?" Roxas asked.

"Yep. And it was pot," Axel said.

"Well, I'm so not taking this place. Who the hell wants in on a shop where the walls and storage boxes decide to have a chat with you every once in a while. I'll go paranoid," Roxas snapped. "Moreso than I already am."

We moved onto a different property. It was only one munny a month. Not one of us could see why the rent was so ridiculously low.

Until we got there.

'There' was used in the loosest context. The place was literally paper thin. Altering reality wouldn't have saved this place. We were better off being sat on by a pack of Berserkers.

"Yeah," choked the miserable Gambler "I lost a gamble with a friend and had to build this place between our houses. It's really not as bad as it looks."

"Yeah, but it feels a lot worse than it should. Axel, would you PLEASE get your pointy, pointy elbows out of my ribcage. I mean, OW!!" I choked angrily.

"It's not that bad," the gambler choked.

"How are we supposed to move, genius man?" Roxas asked "This place sucks!"

"On the other hand, I'm losing like eight pounds every second I'm in here!" I said, and was promptly ignored.

"You just kind of-" the Gambler struggled to move his fingertips up and down.

"Just great…" Roxas choked.

"Could someone do me a favor?" Axel choked.

We struggled to move our pressed eyeballs upward to Axel.

"Remind me how to breathe!" he choked desperately, and tried to go into a coughing fit, but found it was just impossible in his nearly invisible state. Defeated, he began crying pathetically, but the tears didn't have enough space to run down.

"We gotta get outta this hellhole!" we yelled.

"Wait, don't go! I need to leave too! I haven't gone to the bathroom in eight months!!!!" the Gambler cried.

We ignored him; we were running so fast.

"WAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT! I HAVE A ROOT CANAL THAT NEEDS DOING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the Gambler yelled after us. "It HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRTTTTS!"

"Good luck even freakin' living in that deathtrap!" we yelled back.

We didn't claim the property. You'd have to be crazy.

-X-

We moved on to a pretty safe-looking place inside Memory's Skyscraper, everyone's favorite ritzy hotel.

So what if it wasn't for sale?

We just pretty much had a massacre and the hotel staff was DELIGHTED to let us have the place, provided we stopped killing them.

It was pretty cool stuff, it was nice and enormous with plenty of stall room.

We got started right away, seeing as the place didn't have talking walls, wasn't going to kill us, and it was an excuse for the ordinary public to go into the Memory's Skyscraper.

We tacked up a sign reading 'Want Merchandise? Use Saix! The Incredible Not-Edible Saix Here Only Today to Glean as Much Munny as We Could Ask For From You Idiot Consumers!'

We had the Dancers and Samurai set up booths with Saix stuff, and Axel had his Assassins do the body guarding/security/general bribed harassment.

After the many, many customers spent munny on useless Saix gags and knick-knacks like Saix stuffed animals, Saix face masks, Saix-themed food, Saix picture frames and other useless Saix paraphernalia, we set up the floor show.

After we stole an old cassette player from the staff lounge, we played the necessary irritating cheesy music, and flashed a spotlight.

"Now, I hope all you Nobodies have been enjoying yourselves, because it's time for the main attraction. Drum roll please…" I said, in that awful generic announcing voice.

Saix, encased in a glass tube and mysteriously floating within it, came out from underneath the cheap stage. The tube slowly turned so the audience could get a clear view of the merchandise.

"Yes it's everyone's favorite lucky number seven, Saix! The real deal has decided to grace us with his presence, and you can bask in it for a mere two hundred munny asking price! After paying you will gain a ten second period up-close and personal with the world's most unapproachable celebrity, and he won't kill you either! WOW! What a deal! An eighty-munny toll may be required to enter the stage," Roxas said, also in an annoying announcer voice.

"Step right up folks, for a ticket to allow you near Saix. And don't forget about the sixty-munny toll either, this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! You'll never, ever be able to get this close to Saix without him hurting you ever again!" Axel said in his very own announcing style.

People clamored for the toll booth Axel ran, fishing for gobs of munny desperately.

"It's worth every penny just to get this close!" said one especially desperate Creeper.

"Outta my way you animals! I need in!!" a Berserker said, swinging his hammer indeterminately.

"I'll pay triple!!!" a Dusk said "Get me through this crowd!!!"

As the necessary brawl happened between furiously stabbing Creepers who had morphed into swords, Dusks viciously ripping each other to shreds, and Berserkers prepared to sit on just about anything to get through, things were getting ugly, REAL ugly.

It didn't help that Gamblers only made it worse by creating more toll-booths.

"Forty munny to butt ahead of me!"

"Five to try and struggle your way through!"

"Twenty-five for a free punch!"

Axel caught wind of the motion.

"Hey…" he began, looming over the one-man toll booth, cracking his knuckles menacingly "What do you think you're doing, cheating our customers like that. I ought to report you to your boss."

"I'm so sorry, sir! I'm just a lowly Gambler trying to make a dishonest buck! Please don't make me send myself to the boss via money order! I beg of you!" the Gambler whimpered. "The postage rate is through the roof!"

"Don't worry. Just as long as you try and make sure some of that munny makes it to me, I'll let you and your friends stay. Let's call it a mutual temporary employment agreement," Axel said, bending low and winking.

"Thank you sir, oh thank you!" the Gambler ran off to go tell his friends.

"You done good Axel, you done good…"

"'You done good'? That's such terrible grammar! And you just pretty much cheated him out of cheating you," a random Dusk observed.

"Shut up," Axel snapped, slapping the Dusk out of the way, and went off on his business.

Meanwhile, Roxas and I were busy gathering up as many broken and beaten Nobodies as we could to help us with the many, many profitable plans we had in store.

We set up an interview table.

"So, how would you like to help create the Saix School of Impersonation?" I asked.

"You mean I get to help people learn how to be Saix?" the Creeper asked excitedly.

"No, actually, you get to help people impersonate objects like tables and stuff, only they have Saix's picture on them so technically…" I trailed off.

"Oh, what do you care? You're a Creeper who will actually get to be in the same room as our teachers, who by the way, are Dancers!" Roxas snapped.

"Dancers?" the Creeper asked.

"Dancers?" asked the entire waiting room.

"Yep. And you actually get to breath almost the same air as them," I finished.

The whole waiting room instantly grabbed the 'Saix's Li'l Helpers' t-shirts and started building additions for the scam, like an actual room for the Saix School, and one long room with partitions and doors for lots of other stuff, like the hair salon and the bookstore, all just filled with crap with Saix's face on it.

And people just ate everything up. We were making so much munny we actually had to pay the workers for once.

Our bestseller was the Saix Mood Pop. Lick it and you'll suddenly have a burst of uncontrollable rage. Great for parties and battling Heartless.

Of course, big old shenanigans like these make lots of noise.

And unfortunately for us, extremely loud music wasn't the smartest idea. Things were falling apart, even in the Castle. We actually engineered a mini-earthquake!

Probably the worst of the ordeal for everyone was all the beautiful lab equipment, which Vexen more or less lovingly polished every day, was ruined. Including the test-tube which held Saix shattering into a million pieces upon contact with the floor, the black peppery thing inside whooshing away.

I know all this because I got yelled at by Vexen for it. It took almost three hours before he decided that he had enough mock-uncontrollable fury for one day.

Of course, for now we shall momentarily stop talking about what's going on in my head, and move onto what Saix talked about while he was yelling at me for much longer than three hours.

Freshly broken out of his cage, Saix's inner self had transmigrated out of the laboratory in search of his body, with which he had some sort of mysterious bond called an expired warranty. Which meant that if he had to get another body done, he'd have to pay for it in full out of his own pocket.

Of course, he found it the Memory's Skyscraper, with loud booming music and yelling.

He saw the stalls, all with his face on it.

The screaming hordes.

And t-shirts with his face on it.

The Saix School of Impersonation.

The Saix snow-cone machine.

He last saw the banner, labeled 'Stop Thinking, Start Buying, at the First Annual Saix Merchandise Blow-Out. Non-Warehouse Prices for Things That Were Created in Warehouses!'.

"What the devil is going on here?" Saix asked incredulously, floating from the Spank the Saix Monkey stall to the Saix Bitter Confectionary.

He'd been turned into a Wal-Mart! Everything had his face on it. His name was in everything. The injustices were countless!

When the currently divested Organization member found his body, there would be hell to pay. No one was even allowed taking his picture, he didn't know who was making so much munny off him, and Saix was sure whoever had planned this didn't even plan on a royalty system so that VII could at least get some money.

Unbelievable…

But perhaps the biggest scandal was when Saix saw his body currently used as a piñata, with two Berserkers smacking the body with their hammers and laughing it up.

"Hee-hee."

"Hee."

To say the least, Saix was pissed.

"They're using my body as a piñata, and-what's this?" Saix nearly yelled in his furious state "Looksie Rolls! How dare they fill my piñata of a body with such a low-grade candy! There are going to be pay-cuts! Budget cuts! Coffee break cuts! And I'm taking out the dental plan!!!"

And it seemed the outrage had reached its peak, with Saix's own subordinates turning against him, but it didn't stop there.

He saw the salon.

Now, shaming one's face, reputation, and general well-being is one thing. Robbing their body to turn the person into a franchise is another extremely sick and twisted thing.

But making a ladies' hair salon on a MALE franchise, continuously sullying that man's masculinity by giving girls identical haircuts!

UNACCEPTABLE!

"Who on earth is responsible for this! I shall rend their head from their shoulders, I shall restore my reputation and my good name, they will RUE the day they crossed Saix!!!!"

And then he saw Axel running the toll-booth to what seemed like his body encased in a seven-foot air-tight tube that rotated like cafeteria food.

If Saix had a face, it would currently be mimicking a face of incomprehensible rage with near-perfection.

"Axel…so it's those three wise-guys!!" Saix growled.

He floated over to an upper room above the toll booth, and found Roxas and I counting piles upon piles of munny.

"Just like I thought! And odds are that hare-brained Demyx is the one who thought up this whole operation! Well, let's just have a little peek inside, shall we?"

Saix then floated directly inside my body, where my real core out to have been.

I, of course, was, as stated above, counting munny and froze up immediately.

Roxas stopped from his glee of counting large amounts of munny, and waved a hand in front of my eyes.

"Demyx…hey, stupid, snap out of it!"

I, of course, did not snap out of it, seeing as I was currently at my real self, watching for any signs of interlopers.

"Hey, who's in here?" I asked.

Saix smacked into me painfully.

"Who do you think!!" Saix snarled.

"Uh oh…"

I tried to slowly inch away from the situation.

"You're not going anywhere until you explain why you choose not to release me back into my body THIS INSTANT so I can BUTCHER THE LIVING DAYLIGHTS OUT OF YOU AND YOUR IDIOT FRIENDS!!!" Saix screamed.

"Was that a 'SO you will butcher the living daylights out of us', or 'OR you will butcher the living daylights out of us', because that first option is mighty assumptive…What makes you think you can just coerce me into letting you go?" I asked grinning.

Saix looked at me like I had finally lost my sanity.

"Do you know how badly I can ruin your existence from in here?" Saix asked "If you like, I can just forget about letting you barely live, overshadow your puny true self and take my body back myself, afterwards I will report you to the Superior, who probably knows anyways. And then I'll kill YOU from the inside out, and do the same with each of-"

"All right, all right! You win! I'll take you to your body! I'll even give you seven percent if you decide to forget about those other threats I'm sure you have in mind!" I said.

"Now that's more like it. Too bad I'll still carry out MY plan anyways," Saix replied, and quite simply swallowed me whole. "You stay nice and quiet in there while I temporarily commandeer this body of yours."

And he did exactly what he said.

Roxas, who was standing by with Axel, both trying to restore me, were relieved when 'I' opened my eyes again.

"Hey, stupid, glad to see you're-"

Both instantly had their heads viciously ripped off.

"Jeez, that's gonna leave a mark. Thanks a lot, idiot!" Roxas said, his head rolling on the floor.

"Roxas, I don't think that's Demyx," Axel explained.

"It isn't?" Roxas asked incredulously.

"No, you idiot, it's not! The real Demyx wouldn't rip our heads off 'cause we make him sew them back on! Let's just get a move on and hope the worst has not happened," Axel said.

"You don't think-"

"Just pick up your head and let's go," Axel snapped.

They ran after Saix, who was unfortunately in MY BODY! I had to get it dry cleaned.

He smashed the glass tube and grabbed his body instantly re-whooshed himself back in.

"It's good to be back," he said.

"It's good to have you OUT! Have you ever heard of an antacid? You got some crazy stomach juice!" I snapped.

"Now, if you don't mind, I'll be taking my seven percent," Saix snapped, his hand outstretched.

I sighed and handed him a pile.

"Thank you. Now I'm going to destroy everyone in here!" the Organization member roared, his claymore materializing.

"It's great that you're communicating with us, but we're pissed!" Axel snapped, his body holding his head up so he could speak. "We worked too hard on this scam to let you ruin it!"

"Yeah!" Roxas yelled "AND you ripped our heads off right to the sinews! Like, it's going to take three hundred stitches to get it back in again!"

"Yeah! AND you swallowed me whole! You're even grosser on the inside than the outside, you know, and that's saying a lot!" I snapped. "And you just jacked a pile of munny with no intention of giving it back! I want my munny!"

"Well, if you don't mind, I'll be destroying this building now," Saix said simply, and started going off and destroying everything, slashing stalls, mashing people, and stepping on a few on his joyful havoc-wreaking.

"Oh no! All our hard-earned coercion tactics! GONE!!!" I snapped.

"All our subordinates are gone. He's killing them all, even a few of his own Berserkers. We're gonna be paying for that one…" Axel sighed.

"Not to mention I STILL haven't been able to reattach my head," Roxas said, holding up his head.

"Boo. Hoo." Axel said glaring irritably, his head still also severed.

"Does anyone not seem to care that we're screwed beyond belief this time?!! The Superior is gonna go nuclear, we're going to have to reimburse the most expensive building in the universe, and Saix is STILL going to kill us! AND I'm going to have to have myself dry cleaned! I'm starting to wonder if this was really worth the munny in the first place," I snapped.

"Well, now we just have to gasp at that," Axel said, remarking on my long-winded litany.

"Demyx!" Roxas gasped "How could you ever question the all-mighty oneness of munny???!!! It's what makes the world go round!!!"

"Yeah but we're completely screwed. I think the deed to this place just lost like a million munny 'cause there's a rampaging psycho in this. Good luck selling the property," I said.

"Notice that you say the most random, most trivial things at the worst times?" Axel asked.

"Eh. It gets you through the day," I said.

I don't think you want me to explain the mess that ensued when Xemnas came into a Memory's Skyscraper that was nothing more than a memory. No ceiling. Butchered bodies. A triumphant Saix standing there laughing like the psycho he is. And piles upon piles upon piles of munny, with a completely shredded sort of ADR with it.

"Sigh…this won't be pretty," Xemnas said to his attendant "Have the team called. I want this mess cleared up. And tell them to bring some espresso along. I can already feel the migraine."

"Right away sir," the attendant said, and left the scene of wreckage.

-X-

"Congratulations everyone. In about ten hours, you managed to destroy eighty million munny worth of damages to the skyscraper alone, not accounting for the seven hundred and fifty thousand munny worth of new bodies that had to be manufactured. Coupled, by the way, with the massive amount in fraudulent documentation on your part Vexen, for the authorization to remove Saix from his body. There was also quite a bit of counterfeiting of documents on Axel, Roxas and Demyx's part, not mentioning the scam also removed a good five hundred thousand munny worth of prospectors who had authentic ownership over the land those three usurped."

"We also have Vexen's lab to restore, Axel, Roxas and Demyx to restore, and it took the team six hours to track down and erase every trace of this event ever happening, including some very delicate memory work, destruction of the paraphernalia sold, as well as essence of these things being eradicated, including those EXTREMELY dangerous Mood Pops. So congratulations everyone. All that work tallied up to about ninety-three million three hundred and seventy-five thousand four hundred munny. I hope you're all satisfied," Xemnas said, leaning back in his ergonomic chair.

Axel, Roxas, Saix, Vexen and I had all been called into Xemnas' office, and no one feigned happy about it. Especially with that extremely painful price.

"It took nearly all the profits you fools managed to make, the rest was kindly donated to the Castle by you three," Xemnas motioned to Axel, Roxas and I. "All five of you will be receiving the maximum punishment for these shenanigans, and as an added bonus, you'll have to pay for the counseling of the Skyscraper staff. I think four weeks no pay for any of you should cover it."

Saix instantly bristled.

"Superior, I haven't erred enough for four weeks no pay! I need my sleeping pills! Or at least enough to buy good earplugs to block out Zexion's inhuman snoring and Axel's bad taste in music!!" Saix snapped.

"Hey, bad taste?!" Axel snapped.

"Darn right, porcupine! Who listens to heavy metal at FOUR IN THE MORNING, much less any other less insane time of day?" Saix snapped.

"That's enough. This is my office and I won't have your nonsensical bickering," Xemnas said in his authority voice "Saix, you forget that you destroyed the Skyscraper. If anything, we could have saved nearly eighty million if you hadn't decided to let your anger out in non-creative ways. It's extremely expensive to restore memory and that's what raised the price as we were unable to salvage any memory from the wreckage. I almost considered adding a double session to your punishment," Xemnas snapped.

Well, that shut him up.

"Now, in addition, I would like to individually yell at-I mean privately speak with each of you on the seriousness of your conduct. If I hear a peep out there, it's double sessions for the lot of you. All of you leave. Axel, stay," Xemnas said.

Axel stayed in his seat like he was used to imminent painful yelling.

I however, was in no hurry to leave my seat, seeing as Roxas, Vexen, and Saix were cracking knuckles, summoning weapons, and generally looking like they were going to kill me.

"S-Superior, don't tell me you're actually going to LEAVE me out there with those thugs! They'll rip me to pieces, rip those pieces to pieces, and then throw me into a wood chipper, using whatever's left as currency for their friends!!" I screeched, my voice squeaking terribly out of lack of air.

"Good. And no, you are not allowed to leave the sitting room until everyone has been called in," Xemnas said.

"That's cruel and unusual! I DON'T WANNA DIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I whimpered, crying pathetically.

"Too bad. This was all your idea. Enjoy your screw-over," Xemnas said, smiling creepily at me and pushing me out into the sitting room, locking the office door and listening for the snap, crackle, pop as I broke bones.

Yep. It was the start of a very, very long afternoon.

---X-the end-X---

_Author Notes: So, what did you think? I got rusty from not writing so long, I think I rambled most of that chapter. _

_And whoever has managed to catch a cold and fever this late October, congrats! You're part of the Cali IX Club! Benefits include constant sneezing, soup, running out of painkillers, and subsequent quarantine from any and all things not to do with rest. So, sucks to be you! You're just like exactly nineteen other people I know who've managed to catch it. _

_If you live in a more normal climate than Canada and do not understand what the heck I'm talking about, be glad! _

_Okay…got to go! Send comments, questions, and your stories of being painfully sick over review! Peace! _


	8. Sleeping Zexy

**Cali IX: I don't own Kingdom Hearts! And again, sorry for the long wait.**

**VI: Sleeping Zexy**

It was Anniversary at the World that Never Was. Anniversary celebrates the creation of Organization XIII. We have a lame-ass staff party/ meeting to celebrate and then disperse into the city to party.

Every year people go nuts organizing for it. It is THE most important event in the whole year, even more important than Financial Assessment Day. If you aren't helping in some shape or form you're as good as dead. Dead.

Xemnas assigned everyone a job today to help out with the non-festivities, and as you can guess, ADR got the worst one.

We're supposed to wake Zexion up.

This is probably the most unfair job we've ever been given. I don't think you readers understand just how difficult this job is.

Zexion will never wake up. I mean it. The man is in a coma. In fact, during meetings we have to use a stand-in dummy with a screen for his face just to depict him sitting up.

I don't think I've ever seen him actually awake, except for the five minutes he swaps recipes with Xaldin, and when he gambles with Luxord for a bit on special occasions.

Currently, Axel Roxas and I sat in Zexion's extremely boring gray room thinking of ways to wake him up.

We flicked through the several books lining the walls, and generally wracked our brains for thought….thinking wasn't exactly our strong suit.

Roxas blew into a sandwich bag and popped it with a loud blast.

Axel and I stared at him awkwardly.

"Roxas….if it was that easy we wouldn't have been assigned this," Axel said.

"What?" he shrugged "It was worth a shot."

Zexion continued to snore in the background.

"God, I was really hoping he wasn't gonna make us do this…It's impossible to wake Zexion up. He slept through the time we blew up the castle, you know," Axel commented, as if he couldn't let us forget just how difficult this task was.

"So what do we do?" Roxas asked. "My Samurai are hosting a huge party in a couple hours, and I don't want this to take all day."

"Same here. Well, here goes," I said.

We tried ripping him out of bed.

"On the count of three…one, two…THREE!" Axel ordered.

We all grabbed onto his cloak and heaved to the best of our ability. It was extremely difficult. Felt like the man was sewed INTO the mattress.

We heaved, and heaved, until FINALLY, Zexion was dislodged from his extremely comfortable position.

His eyes instantly snapped open.

"Hey, we did it!" Roxas celebrated.

But before we could celebrate, it seemed that taking Zexion out of bed put him into a shock.

And when I mean shock, I don't mean the fake Nobody kind of shock. His hair went white, his eyes pulled out of his skull, and he went rigid.

He started wheezing uncontrollably, until he started coughing blood.

"We sure didn't count on that," I commented.

"I didn't know getting out of bed could actually kill someone," Roxas said, as he pulled a candy bar out of his cloak and bit into it, like he was at the movies or something.

"I don't want to find out what'll happen. Get him back in there now!" Axel panicked.

We all settled him back into bed after that extremely failed attempt at waking Zexion up.

So, we tried the old fashioned way. The ice-cube mattress. I stole into the kitchens while Xaldin was on his cooking spree. I was nearly reduced to confetti but I stole a whole bunch of ice. Go me!

"Think this'll work?" Axel asked.

"Works on Roxas all the time. Just dump it on him already," I snapped.

We removed Zexion's cloak, stripped the bed and dumped several pans of ice into the bed.

Then we sat back and waited.

"Whoa. His skin's already turning blue," Roxas commented. "Does that usually happen?"

"Maybe he's so used to the nice, cozy comfort of his bed. Hehehehe….well, he won't last much longer at this rate. That ice doesn't melt. Vexen supplied it," I snickered evilly.

"Are you sure he's not gonna die? This seems a bit extreme," Axel replied, slightly concerned as Zexion changed colors.

"If worse comes to worse, I'll eject his true self out and stick it in a flower pot. It's extreme but at least he'll actually be present at a meeting for once. Lazy SOB…" I snapped.

We tried stealing his recipe book.

"Okay, here's the plan. Roxas, we're going to confiscate your Keyblades for a few minutes. Then when you're good and rabid, we're gonna toss you into his recipe vault and leave it to you from there," I said.

Roxas peered at the vault, which had a little sign next to it that said: Enter Only If You Wish To Have an Empty-Coffin Funeral.

Roxas decided he didn't like that.

"Look, I'm all for violence and challenges, but use a Dusk or some-"

"Too bad!" Axel instantly snatched away Roxas' Keyblades and swallowed them. When Roxas tried to get them back, he thought better of the prospect of finding out what was actually INSIDE Axel.

"That's right, Roxas. You don't want to know," Axel smirked, triumphant. "Now, just to make sure you go completely crazy, we'll lock down your room. No violence for ten minutes."

Roxas lost it after two.

"GIVE EM BACK GIVE EM BACK I'M LOSIN' IT!!" he screamed.

"Is he rabid yet?" I asked.

"Give him another fifteen seconds and-" Axel paused as Roxas began foaming "Oh, wait, and never mind. He's ready."

Axel and I picked him up and threw him into the vault with his Keyblades.

"Now, if for some reason, you don't make it, we'll-he's gone," I said. "What a bummer. Now all we have to fill his seat is a bloodied pulp. And the alarms didn't even wake Zexion up."

Axel sighed at the smoking crater that was Roxas.

"Back to the drawing board."

Axel tried burning him. Zexion apparently didn't seem to feel the sudden improvement in central heating.

"Dammit, why isn't this working? He's not burning at all!" Axel growled, obviously frustrated that fire was not the answer to everything.

"Did you check the tag on his cloak?" Roxas asked. He held out the tag, which read 'Made with 100 percent fireproof material. Also impervious to loud music and annoying secretaries.'

"That's one hell of a cloak," I commented. "Well, I'll just soak him then. No one likes a squishy wet mattress."

I mustered up my powers and let great bursts of ice cold water gush onto Zexion's bed. He remained immobile.

"I guess he likes his mattresses unpleasantly wet and squishy…" I sighed.

Roxas stabbed him.

"Roxas!" Axel snapped.

"What? If he's not waking up after all that what's the point of keeping him alive?" Roxas asked.

Axel smacked his head in exasperation.

"I don't think Xemnas would like it if we killed Zexion, especially on Anniversary," Axel reasoned. "Let's just keep trying."

So then we kept trying.

We searched the room and found a collection of lovely cakes underneath Zexion's bed.

"So that's where he keeps 'em," Roxas said.

"How does he make them? The man never wakes up," I asked.

"I dunno, but they sure look good. Maybe it's from all the cookbooks," Axel replied "Hey, I know! Let's choke him with cake! If it doesn't wake him up at least no one will have to IV him with nourishment."

Axel stuffed a large white wedding-sized cake into the snoring youth's face. He stopped snoring, but didn't wake up.

"Just give it some time…" Axel added, and sat down and waited.

We waited. And waited. And waited some more.

"Nothing's happening. Why is nothing happening? COME ON PEOPLE, work with me here!!" Axel snapped.

"I don't know! He's like some kind of machine! He just sleeps all day!" Roxas snapped.

"When was the last time he woke up? If I could just remember…" I muttered "That's it! Back when we caused that crisis situation back when we stole Larxene's underwear! He was gambling with Luxord! We have to get Luxord. It could be our only lead!"

"I don't know. The guy's not exactly easy to crack open. And we don't have that much time to wake Zexion up," Axel reasoned "We'll have to use some ultra drastic measures."

"Personally I was hoping we'd have to resort to something like this. My interrogation skills are getting kinda rusty…" Roxas commented.

"Interrogating Luxord might be a bad idea. We'll have to bargain with him. I don't like the sound of it, but it'll produce faster results than by force," I said.

"Handing ourselves over to Luxord…why does it feel like things can only get worse from here?" Axel asked.

"Cheer up Axel. We'll be celebrities for doing the impossible. We'll start our own line of sportswear at my store," Roxas said.

Axel sighed.

-X-

Luxord walked down the eerily empty hall. It was dark and the silence was so thick the gambler deemed it appropriate to feign unease.

Every sing footstep echoed as he walked through. Suddenly, the power shut off.

"That's funny. I pay the electric bill for three month's service…and I just paid it a week ago. Ah well…I gotta go and fix my juke box…" he thought to himself.

Suddenly a vase cracked, a shadow passed over, and Luxord was suddenly tackled into the ground.

"Gotcha!" I yelled.

"Idiot, you're not supposed to say that! We're supposed to bargain. BARGAIN!" Roxas snapped "Oh god…"

"Well, let's just tie him up and haul him off before he causes a fuss…" Axel grumbled.

We tied up his limbs and took him to Roxas's room for interrogation.

Roxas shined a hundred watt bulb right into Luxord's eyes, and put on his most menacing face.

"Listen up, Luxord. Axel, Demyx and I are nice guys…provided you tell us what you know. If you decide to be uncooperative, we'll switch off the nice guy act and beat the living tar out of you!" Roxas said.

Luxord simply squinted his eyes, looked at Roxas with an incredulous look, and laughed his butt off.

"I don't think you guys thought very much when you decided to interrogate me. You're supposed to bargain," Luxord said.

"You see? Even the captive knows it! Turn off that goddamn light and let me take over!" Axel snapped. "And untie him too."

Roxas, with a now defeated look on his face, untied Luxord and ripped the light bulb right off the cord it dangled from.

Luxord leisurely stretched and helped himself to a sea-salt ice cream.

"Much better. Now, what do you three want with my extremely valuable time?" he asked.

"We're not going to mince words here. We need to know how to wake Zexion up. Anniversary is in one hour and we're all out of ideas," Axel said.

"Well, that's some pretty confidential information you asked there. My fee would be oh…let's say…five million munny," Luxord continued to enjoy his sea-salt ice cream.

"Five million munny?! We don't have five million munny, we're poor! Isn't there some other way?" I asked.

"You could always go and nick a few feathers off Sephiroth's wings. They're worth at least a million munny each," Luxord said.

"We asked for another way, not suicide," Axel deadpanned.

"Okay, I get it. Well, you COULD run a few errands for me. I've been a little late with my debt collecting you see, so you three would be-"

"Why are you so bent on getting us killed? DEBT COLLECTING, that's a freaking death sentence!" I snapped.

"Well, you asked. And until I get five million, either out of your pockets or from other people, I'm not telling you anything. Besides, it's not going to take very long. Just collect debts from three of my more stubborn clients, and I'll tell you how to wake him up, no strings attached," Luxord said. "So which one?"

Axel, Roxas and I shared a glance.

"We'll take the debt collecting," I said.

"Excellent!" Luxord said. We tried very hard to ignore the evil look on his face, because it really did look like he meant it.

-X-

"I have this really nasty feeling that this job is going to get us hurt," I whimpered.

"Oh, stop worrying stupid. We knock on a few doors, ask for some munny, beat them to an unrecognizable pulp if they refuse and then go to the next one. We should finish this in half an hour, tops," Axel said, uncharacteristically optimistic.

"You weren't a debt collector in your past life, were you?" I asked suspiciously.

"I dabbled in it. It's kind of fun…" Axel replied.

"Well, just as long as I get to beat someone up, I don't care," Roxas added.

"Okay, so the first house is 331 Eternal Darkness Avenue," I read. "I'm not sure if I like that."

"Just ring the doorbell so we can get out of here," Axel huffed.

Uneasily, I rang the doorbell.

One of Saix's Berserkers opened the door.

"Oh crap, look at the _size_ of that one…" I whimpered.

Roxas grinned.

"Looks like a fun fight…" he commented.

Axel put on his nice guy face, and said "Hi! We're from the Luxord Collection Agency. We're here about a little munny issue…"

"Debt collectors huh?" the Berserker asked "Hey, fellas. Get over here. Debt collectors."

Suddenly, ten or fifteen of those really big, scary looking Berserkers came out, each carrying a particularly menacing weapon.

One had a bag full of doorknobs. And the burlap was bloody…

Another preferred the good old caveman club. Except it had nails hammered into it at odd angles, and looked like it would hurt like a bitch if someone got hit with it.

One even had an electric garrote string. You know, the one that decapitates AND electrocutes you, just in case you survive the decapitation…

That's it Demyx. Just back away nice and slow and maybe you won't be turned into Figgie pudding…

"You know what; we'll come back at a later date to discuss your financial option-"

"You jerks don't look so tough!" Roxas yelled like the big old idiot he is. And like the big old idiot who WANTS to die, he started dancing and mocking them with little monkey noises.

"Roxas, shut up! Do you WANT to die?" I freaked.

"Oh, come on. We can take them. Stop acting like such a big baby. Besides, we need to collect whatever debt we can before the hour's up," Roxas said.

And so he continued with the monkey noises.

Now, nothing infuriates people like monkey noises. It infers that they are hairy, smelly, and have sub-human intelligence, and that at odd points during the day, they throw their own feces.

No one likes being called a monkey.

The worst part is Axel joined in.

"Come on you overgrown gorillas! Eek-eek, ook-ook!" Axel monkey-ed.

I gave up and broke down crying.

"We're gonna die we're gonna die we're gonna die AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!" I screeched.

"Put 'em up!!" Roxas roared.

The infuriated Berserkers drew their weapons, or in the case of the chain wielder and the one with the doorknobs, began swinging their weapons about.

I readied my sitar, Roxas brought out his Keyblades, and Axel set his chakrams ablaze.

"Well, here goes!" I said, attempting not to cry.

Right off the bat I got flung over the house and was impaled on the weather vane.

"Well, that was fast," I said. I attempted to jimmy myself off the vane, but the cross-shape of the bars made it particularly difficult to move. I craned my neck to watch the carnage.

Axel had set himself on fire and was now simply trying to get into physical contact with the Berserkers. Roxas was literally pulled apart by the Berserker crowd. That had to hurt.

"Well. Let's just skip to the next house, shall we?"

-X-

"That was a total disaster. Well, at least this house is on Eternal Light Avenue. Can't be that bad," I said.

I was currently walking like a Gambler, as I had to be sawed in half to be removed from the weather vane. Roxas was a mummy in a wheelchair. Axel was simply blackened and disgruntled.

"It used to go differently when I was a collector. I used to actually hurt them. Luxord must have set us up," Axel snapped.

"I don't care. We've got forty-five minutes until Xemnas kills us, so let's go," Roxas blithered through his bandaged mouth.

I knocked on the door, and in a second it opened.

There was no one in there.

We tentatively walked inside, and discovered…

Heartless. Coating every single surface of that house.

"Wow. Didn't look like a pit of darkness from the outside," I commented.

"Today is really just unfair," Axel said.

"Let's just get them," Roxas growled, bringing out his Keyblades.

"There's too many of them. They'll eat us alive!!!!!" I screamed.

"Roxas, I think stupid is actually right. This might be a bit much for us…There must be thousands in here! And they're all boss-class, too!!" Axel said "Let's just back away slowly...carefully…maybe they haven't smelled us yet…"

"I'll kill them all! I don't need you chickens!!"

And Roxas bravely wheeled to his doom. Axel and I jumped in to stop him, but by then, the Heartless had woken up.

By the time we managed to fend them off, Roxas had disappeared. Or perhaps he was just in too many pieces to be seen, who knows.

-X-

"Ow…ow…ow…ow…" I groaned "That. Hurt."

"At least you still have arms. I can't find mine," Axel complained.

"I'm in a JAR and you guys are COMPLAINING?!" Roxas screeched.

I was currently strapped to a sort of carter-thingy, as I was unable to move or stand up on my own.

Axel was missing his arms and was currently pushing my forward with his head.

Roxas was…in a jar beside my head.

Given our pitiful state, you'd THINK we'd stop debt collecting before there's nothing left for even Xemnas to punish, but no, because Roxas-in-a-Jar said so.

We reached the door.

"Axel, lean me forward with your teeth so I can ring the doorbell," I said.

He did, but way too far. I had to push the doorbell with my tongue.

Alright, so you'd think we'd catch a break after Roxas was reduced to a jar version of himself, but no, because…

Sora opened the door.

"Hi there!" he said, cheerfully.

"Crap! I'm going to kick Luxord's ass for this!" I screeched.

"FIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!" Roxas shouted.

"Um…Roxas. You can't fight. You're in a jar," Axel reasoned.

"Axel, we have to go. NOW! GOOOO!!! BEOFRE JARHEAD FINDS OUT WHO HE IS!!" I snapped.

Sora simply watched incredulously as Axel pushed a man strapped to a carrier away while balancing what appeared to be human remains in a jar on his head.

"Well, that was weird," he thought. He cheerfully walked back into his house and closed the door.

-X-

We had no choice but to return to the castle.

"No munny, no dignity, no time, and Roxas is in a jar. We've been having a great day, haven't we?" I asked.

"What are we gonna do?" Axel asked "I mean…it just seems really hopeless."

"Xemnas will kill us, I missed the party, and we've made yet another list of enemies. What else is new?" Roxas asked.

"You know what the really annoying part is? We went through ALL that trouble and we STILL don't know how to wake this bastard up!" I snapped.

In a fit of fake rage, I slammed my foot against the bed. The force of the kick pushed my phalanges into the rest of my foot, causing a pain so fatal my heart actually stopped.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I wailed, and began crying in the most pathetic crying.

Axel and Roxas-well, I guess just Axel, could only gape in shock.

"Demyx…" Axel gasped.

"Idiot…" Roxas breathed.

"Oh, I just love seeing pain. It's better than a feature film," said a voice.

This voice brought out a bag of popcorn and munched it loudly.

I was still crying on the floor, but I paused for a second to look up, and who should I see but…

"Zexion?! What the hell? You woke up!" I gasped.

"Of course. I love watching other people in pain. It's just so much fun. It's just about the only thing that'll wake me up," he answered "Don't stop crying on my account. Continue to the best of your ability."

"You're pretty evil. I like that," Roxas said, rolling his jar form over to Zexion.

"Roxas, have you always been a jar?" he asked. "Never mind, don't interrupt Demyx's wonderful show of pain."

"You're telling me that if we'd kicked your bed earlier you would have woken up to see us cry?" Axel asked.

"That's right. I just love seeing someone in pain," Zexion replied.

"Luxord…he didn't make us debt collectors for the five million! He just wanted to see us in pain because he knew that would wake you up! That sneaky bastard…" Roxas snapped. "In fact, I'd bet you'd LOVE to see how I got turned into a jar!"

"Oh, don't worry. I know all about that. In fact, today's Anniversary celebration is about pain. We were going to have a meeting about how we were going to convey this, but seeing as how an angry mob of people in debt has collected for you three outside the castle, I can just toss you in and record it! How fortuitous!" Zexion cheered.

"Oh crap no…" I whined.

"We're going to die. Again. Great…" Axel said "We went through all that trouble of waking him up, and he's going to get us killed."

"I liked you better when you were asleep!" Roxas snapped.

Zexion simply grinned and tossed us out the window to be dismembered by the crowd below.

"I look forward to finding out what comes after the jar, Roxas!" Zexion called out.

"Oh, I'm screwed-"

That's all he had a chance to say before the angry mob dismembered us.

---X-the end-X---

_**Author's Notes: WHEW! Sorry I took so LONG! Betcha thought I was gone huh? NOPE! I LIVE!! And don't YOU want to find out what comes after the jar? Send your ideas, comments, questions blah, blah via review!**_


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